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iiilllii^ 


IBRARY 

ty  of  Catiforr 

IRVINE. 


UNCLE 

JOSH  WEATHERSBY'S 

PUNKIN  CENTRE 

STORIES 


Uncle  Josh's 
Punkin  Centre  Stories 


By 

CAL.  STEWART 

'The  Talking  Machine  Story  Teller" 


ILLUSTRATED 


1905 

CHICAGO 

THOMPSON    &    THOMAS 


Copyright,  190J 
By  W    L.  Eckhakot  and  Calvin   E.  Stewart 


Copyright,  1905 
By   Thompson   &    Thomas 


Preface 

To  the  Reader. 

The  one  particular  object  in  writing  this 
book  is  to  furnish  you  with  an  occasional 
laugh,  and  the  writer  with  an  occasional 
dollar.  If  you  get  the  laugh  you  have  your 
equivalent,  and  the  writer  has  his. 

In  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby  you  have  a 
purely  imaginary  character,  yet  one  true  to 
life.  A  character  chuck,  full  of  sunshine  and 
rural  simplicity.  Take  him  as  you  find  him, 
and  in  his  experiences  you  will  observe  there 
is  a  bright  side  to  everything. 


;cJu-^^-yru.^iJLytc^ 


a 


'xl 


Contents 

Prepack 3 

lyiFE  Sketch  of  Author 7 

My  Old  Yallkr  Almanac  11 

ArrivaIv  in  New  York  15 

Uncle  Josh  in  Society 21 

Uncle  Josh  in  a  Chinese  Laundry 25 

Uncle  Josh  in  a  Museum 31 

Uncle  Josh  in  Wall  Strert    35 

Uncle  Josh  and  the  Fire  Department....  39 

Uncle  Josh  in  an  Auction  Room ....  43 

Uncle  Josh  on  a  Fifth  Avenue  'Bus 45 

Uncle  Josh  in  a  Department  Store 49 

Uncle  Josh's  Comments  on  the  Signs  Seen 

in  New  York 53 

Uncle  Josh  on  a  Street  Car 57 

My  Fust  Pair  of  Copper  Toed  Boots......  63 

Uncle  Josh  in  Police  Court 65 

Uncle  Josh  at  Coney  Island 71 

Uncle  Josh  at  the  Opera 75 

Uncle  Josh  at  Delmonico's 79 

It  is  Fall 83 

Si  Pettingill's  Brooms 87 

Uncle  Josh  Plays  Golf 91 

Jim  IvAWson's  Hogs 95 

Uncle  Josh  and  the  Lightning  Rod  Agent  99 

A  Meeting  of  the  Annanias  Club 103 

Jim  Lawson's  Hoss  Trade 107 

A  Meeting  of  the  School  Directors iii 

6 


6  Contents 

The  Weekly  Paper  at  Punkin  Centre 117 

Uncle  Josh  at  a  Camp  Meeting 121 

The  Unveiling  op  the  Organ 125 

Uncle  Josh  Plays  a  Game  op  Base  Ball..  127 
The  Punkin  Centre  and  Paw  Paw  Valley 

Railroad 131 

Uncle  Josh  on  a  Bicycle 135 

A    Baptisin'    at    the    Hickory     Corners 

Church , 139 

A  Reminiscence  of  My  Railroad  Days 143 

Uncle  Josh  at  a  Circus 147 

Uncle  Josh  Invites  the  City  Folks  to  Visit 

Him 153 

YosEMiTE  Jim,    or  a  Tale  of  the  Great 

White  Death 157 

Uncle  Josh  Weathersby's  Trip  to  Boston.  .  163 

Who  Marched  in  Sixty-One 169 


*'I  don't  believe  in  kickin', 

It  aint  apt  to  bring  one  peace; 
But  the  wheel  what  squeaks  the  loudest 
Is  the  one  what  gets  the  grease." 

— Josh  Weathersby. 


Punkin  Centre  Stories 


Life  Sketch  of  Author 


I  HE  author  was  born  in  Virginia, 
on  a  little  patch  of  land,  so 
poor  we  had  to  fertilize  it  to 
make  brick.  Our  family, 
while  having  cast  their  fortunes 
with  the  South,  was  not  a  fam- 
ily ruined  by  the  war;  we  did  not  have 
anything  when  the  war  commenced,  and 
so  we  held  our  own.  I  secured  a  com- 
mon school  education,  and  at  the  age  of 
twelve  I  left  home,  or  rather  home  left  me 
— things  just  petered  out.  1  was  slush  cook 
on  an  Ohio  River  Packet;  check  clerk  in  a 
stave  and  heading  camp  in  the  knobs  of 
Tennessee,  Virginia  and  Georgia;  I  helped 
lay  the  track  of  the  M.  K.  &  T.  R.  R.,  and 
was  chambermaid  in  a  livery  stable.  Made 
my  first  appearance  on  the  stage  at  the  Na- 
tional Theatre  in  Cincinnati,  Ohio,  and  have 
since  then  chopped  cord  wood,  worked  in  a 
coal  mine,  made  cross  ties  (and  walked 
them),  worked  on  a  farm,  taught  a  district 
school    (made  love  to  the  big  girls),  run  a 


8  Uncle  Josli   IVeathersby'' s 

threshing  machine,  cut  bands,  fed  the  ma- 
chine and  ran  the  engine.  Have  been  a 
freight  and  passenger  brakeman,  fired  and 
ran  a  locomotive;  also  a  freight  train  con- 
ductor and  check  clerk  in  a  freight  house; 
worked  on  the  section;  have  been  a  shot  gun 
messenger  for  the  Wells,  Fargo  Company. 
Have  been  with  a  circus,  minstrels,  farce 
comedy,  burlesque  and  dramatic  produc- 
tions; have  been  with  good  shows,  bad 
shows,  medicine  shows,  and  worse,  and 
some  shows  where  we  had  landlords  singing 
in  the  chorus.  Have  played  variety  houses 
and  vaudeville  houses;  have  slept  in  a  box 
car  one  night,  and  a  swell  hotel  the  next; 
have  been  a  traveling  salesman  (could  spin 
as  many  yarns  as  any  of  them) .  For  the  past 
four  years  have  made  the  Uncle  Josh  stories 
for  the  talking  machine.  The  Lord  only 
knows  what  next! 


lO 


Uncle  Josh  WeathershyU 


Punk  in   Centre  Stories 


II 


My   Old    Yaller    Almanac 

Hangin'   on    the 

Kitchen  Wall 

'M  sort  of  fond  of  readin'   one 
thing  and  another, 
^fl\      So    I've    read    promiscus  like 


whatever  cum  my  way, 
And    many    a    friendly    argu- 
ment's   cum    up     'tween 
me  and  mother, 
"Bout  things  that  I'd  be  readin'  settin'  round 
a  rainy  day. 

Sometimes  it  jist  seemed  to  me  thar  wa'nt 

no  end  of  books, 
Some  made  fer  useful  readin'  and  some  jist 

made  fer  looks; 
But  of   all   the  different  books   I've   read, 

thar's  none  comes  up  at  all 
To   My  Old  Yaller  Almanac,   Hangin'   on 

the  Kitchen  Wall. 


(2  Uncle  Josh   IFeathersby'' s 

I've  always  liked    amusement,  of  the  good 

and  wholesome  kind, 
It's  better  than  a  doctor,  and  it  elevates  the 

mind; 
So,    often   of   an    evening,    when  the    farm 

chores  all  were  done, 
I'd  join  the  games  the  boys  would  play,  gosh 

how  I  liked  the  fun; 
And  once  thar  wuz  a  minstrel  troop,  they 

showed  at  our  Town  Hall, 
A  jolly  lot  of  fellers,  'bout  twenty  of  'em  all. 
Wall   I  went  down  to   see   'em,   but  their 

jokes,  I  knowed  'em  all. 
Read    'em    in    My    Old    Yaller    Almanac, 

Hangin'  on  the  Kitchen  Wall. 

Thar  wuz  Ezra  Hoskins,  Deacon  Brown  and 

a  lot  of  us  old  codgers. 
Used  to  meet  down  at  the    grocery   store, 

what  wuz  kept  by  Jason  Rogers. 
There  we'd  set  and  argufy  most  every  market 

day, 
Chawin'  tobacker  and  whittlin'  sticks  to  pass 

the  time  away ; 
And  many  a  knotty  problem  has  put  us  on 

our  mettle, 
Which  we  felt  it  wuz  our  duty  to  duly  solve 

and  settle; 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


n 


Then    after   they   had    said   their  say,    who 

thought  they  knowed  it  all, 
Pd  floor  'em  with  some  facts  I'd  got 
From  My  Old  Yaller  Almanac,  Hangin'  on 

the  Kitchen  Wall. 

It   beats   a   regular   cyclopedium,    that   old 

fashioned  yaller  book, 
And  many  a  pleasant  hour  in  readin'  it  I've 

took; 
Somehow  I've  never  tired  of  lookin'  through 

its  pages, 
Seein'  of  the  different  things  that's  happened 

in  all  ages. 

One  time   I  wuz  elected  a  Justice  of  the 

Peace, 
To  make  out  legal  documents,  a  mortgage 

or  a  lease, 
Them  tricks  that  lawyers  have,  you  bet  I 

knowed  them  all, 
Learned  them  in  My  Old  Yaller  Almanic, 

Hangin'  on  the  Kitchen  Wall. 

So  now  I've  bin  to  New  York,  and  all  youi 

sights  I've  seen, 
I  s'pose  that  to  you  city  folks  I  must  look 

most  awful  green, 


14  Uncle  Josh  Weathershy^s 

Gee  whiz,  what  lots  of  fun  I've  had  as  I 

walked  round  the  town, 
Havin'    Bunco  Steerers  ask  me  if  I  wasn't 

Mr.  Hiram  Brown. 

I've  rode  on  all  your  trolloly  cars,  and  hung 

onto  the  straps, 
When  we  flew  around  the  corners,  sat  on 

other  peoples'  laps, 
Hav'nt  had  no  trouble,  not  a  bit  at  all. 
Read  about   your   city   in    My   Old   Yaller 

Almanac,  Hangin'  on  the  Kitchen  Wall. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  15 


Uncle    Josh    Weathersby's 
Arrival  in   New    York 

'ALL,  fer  a  long  time  I  had  my 
mind  made  up  that  I'd  cum 
down  to  New  York,  and  so  a 
short  time  ago,  as  I  had  my 
crops  all  gathered  in  and  pro- 
duce sold  I  calculated  as  how 
it  would  be  a  good  time  to  come  down 
here.  Folks  at  home  said  I'd  be  buncoed 
or  have  my  pockets  picked  fore  I'd  bin 
here  mor'n  half  an  hour;  wall,  I  fooled 
'em  a  little  bit,  I  wuz  here  three  days  afore 
they  buncoed  me.  I  spose  as  how  there  are 
a  good  many  of  them  thar  bunco  fellers 
around  New  York,  but  I  tell  you  them  thar 
street  keer  conductors  take  mighty  good 
care  on  you.  I  wuz  ridin'  along  in  one  of 
them  keers,  had  my  pockit  book  right  in  my 
hand,  I  alowed  no  feller  would  pick  my 
pockits  and  git  it  long  as  I  had  it  in  my 
hand,  and  it  shet  up  tight  as  a  barrel  when 
the  cider's  workin'.     Wall  that  conductor  fel- 


1 6  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby'' s 

ler  he  jest  kept  his  eye  on  me,  and  every 
Httle  bit  he'd  put  his  head  in  the  door  and 
say  "hold  fast."  But  I'm  transgressin'  from 
what  I  started  to  tell  ye.  I  wuz  ridin'  along 
in  one  of  them  sleepin'  keers  comin'  here, 
and  along  in  the  night  some  time  I  felt  a  fel- 
ler rummagin'  around  under  my  bed,  and  I 
looked  out  jest  in  time  to  see  him  goin'  away 
with  my  boots,  wall  I  knowed  the  way  that 
train  wuz  a  runnin'  he  couldn't  git  ofT  with 
them  without  breakin'  his  durned  neck,  but 
in  about  half  an  hour  he  brot  them  back, 
guess  they  didn't  fit  him.  Wall  I  wuz  sort 
of  glad  he  took  em  cause  he  bed  em  all 
shined  up  slicker  'n  a  new  tin  whistle.  Wall 
when  I  got  up  in  the  mornin'  my  trubbles 
commenced.  I  wuz  so  crouded  up  like, 
durned  if  I  could gitmy clothes  on,  and  when 
I  did  git  em  on  durned  if  my  pants  wa'nt  on 
hind  side  afore,  and  my  socks  got  all  tangled 
up  in  that  little  fish  net  along  side  of  the 
bed  and  I  couldn't  git  em  out,  and  I  lost  a 
bran  new  collar  button  that  I  traded  Si  Pet- 
tingill  a  huskin'  peg  fer,  and  I  got  my  right 
boot  on  my  left  foot  and  the  left  one  on  the 
right  foot,  and  I  wuz  so  durned  badly  mixed 
up  I  didn't  know  which  way  the  train  wuz  a 
runnin',  and  I  bumped  my  head  on  the  roof 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  17 

of  the  bed  over  me,  and  then  sot  down  right 
suddin  like  to  think  it  over  when  some  feller 
cum  along  and  stepped  right  squar  on  my 
bunion  and  I  let  out  a  war  whoop  you  could 
a  heerd  over  in  the  next  county.  Wall,  along 
cum  that  durned  porter  and  told  me  I  wuz 
a  wakin'  up  everybody  in  the  keer.  Then  I 
started  in  to  hunt  fer  my  collar  button,  cause 
I  sot  a  right  smart  store  by  that  button,  thar 
warnt  another  one  like  it  in  Punkin  Centre, 
and  I  thought  it  would  be  kind  of  doubtful 
if  they'd  have  any  like  it  in  New  York,  wall 
I  see  one  stuck  right  in  the  wall  so  I  tried  to 
git  it  out  with  my  jack  knife,  when  along 
came  that  durned  black  jumpin'  jack  dressed 
in  soldier  clothes  and  ast  me  what  I  wanted, 
and  I  told  him  I  didn't  want  anything  per- 
ticler,  then  he  told  me  to  quit  ringin'  the 
bell,  guess  he  wuz  a  little  crazy,  I  didn't  see 
no  bell.  Wall,  finally  I  got  my  clothes  on 
and  went  into  a  room  whar  they  had  a  row 
of  little  troughs  to  wash  in,  and  fast  as  I  could 
pump  water  in  the  durned  thing  it  run  out 
of  a  little  hole  in  the  bottom  of  the  trough, 
so  I  jest  had  to  grab  a  handful  and  then 
pump  some  more.  Wall  after  that  things 
went  along  purty  well  fer  a  right  smart  while, 
then  I  et  a  snack  out  of  my  carpet  bag  and 


1 8  Uncle  Josh    JVeathersby'' s 

felt  purty  good.  Wall  that  train  got  to  run- 
nin'  slower  and  slower  'till  it  stopped  at  every 
house  and  when  it  cum  to  a  double  house  it 
stopped  twice.  I  hed  my  ticket  in  my  hat 
and  I  put  my  head  out  of  the  window  to  look 
at  suthin'  when  the  wind  blew  my  hat  ofT  and 
I  lost  the  durned  old  ticket,  wall  the  con- 
ductor made  me  buy  another  one.  I  hed  to 
buy  two  tickets  to  ride  once,  but  I  fooled 
him,  he  don't  know  a  durned  thing  about  it 
and  w^hen  he  finds  it  out  he's  goin  to  be  the 
maddest  conductor  on  that  railroad,  I  got  a 
r  )und  trip  ticket  and  I  ain't  a  goin'  back  on 
h':3  durned  old  road.  When  I  got  of¥  the 
ferry  boat  down  here  I  commenced  to  think 
I  wuz  about  the  best  lookin'  old  feller  what 
ever  cum  to  New  York,  thar  wuz  a  lot  of  fel- 
lers down  thar  with  buggies  and  kerridges 
and  one  thing  and  another,  and  jest  the  min- 
nit  they  seen  me  they  all  commenced  to  hol- 
ler— handsome — handsome.  I  didn't  know 
I  w^uz  so  durned  good  lookin'.  One  feller 
tried  to  git  my  carpet  bag  and  another  tried 
to  git  my  umbreller,  and  I  jest  told  'em  to 
stand  back  or  durned  if  I  wouldn't  take  a 
WTastle  out  of  one  or  two  of  them,  then  I 
asked  one  of  'em  if  he  could  haul  me  up  to 
the  Sturtevessant  hotel,  and  by  gosh  I  never 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


19 


heered  a  feller  stutter  like  that  feller  did  in 
all  my  life,  he  said  ye-ye-ye-yes  sir,  and  I  said 
wall  how  much  air  you  a  goin'  to  charge  me, 
and  he  said  f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty  c-c-cents,  and  I 
sed  wall  I  guess  I'll  ride  with  you,  but  don't 


20  Uncle  Josh   fVeathersby^ s 

stop  to  talk  about  it  any  more  cause  I'd 
kinder  like  to  git  thar.  Wall  we  started  out 
and  when  we  stopped  we  wuz  away  up  at  the 
other  end  of  the  town  whar  thar  warn't  many 
houses,  and  I  sed  to  him,  this  here  ain't  the 
Sturtevessant  hotel,  and  he  sed  n-n-n-no  s-s- 
n-n-no  sir,  I  sed  why  didn't  you  let  me  out 
at  the  hotel  like  I  told  ye,  and  he  sed, 
b-b-b-be  c-c-c  b-b-be  cause  I  c-c-c-c-couldn't 
s-s-s-say  w-w-w-whoa  q-q-q-q-quick  enough. 
Wall  I  hed  a  great  time  with  that  feller,  but 
I  got  here  at  last. 


Punk  in   Centre  Stories 


21 


Uncle  Josh  in  Society 

"Mf^A^  WALL,  I  did'nt  suppose  when  I 
^Sflm^m  cum  down  here  to  New  York 
that  I  wuz  a  goin  to  flop  right 
into  the  middle  of  high  toned 
society,  but  I  guess  that's  jist 
about  what  I  done.  You 
see  I  had  an  old  friend  a  livin'  down  here 
named  Henry  Higgins,  and  I  wanted  to 
see  Henry  mighty  bad.  Henry  and  me,  we 
wuz  boys  together  down  home  at  Punkin 
Centre,  and  I  hadn't  seen  him  in  a  long  time. 
Wall,  I  got  a  feller  to  look  up  his  name  in 
the  city  almanac,  and  he  showed  me  whar 
Henry  lived,  away  up  on  a  street  called 
avenue  five.  Wall  when  I  seen  Henry's 
house  it  jist  about  took  my  breath  away,  I 
wuz  that  clar  sot  back.  Henry's  house  is  a 
good  deal  bigger'n  the  court  house  at 
Punkin  Centre.  Wall  at  first  I  didn't  know 
whether  to  go  in  or  not,  but  finally  I  mus- 
tered up  my  courage,  and  I  went  up  and 
rang  some  new  fangled  door  bell,  when  a 
feller  with  knee  britches  on   cum  out  and 


22 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby^s 


wanted  to  know  who  it  wuz  I  wanted  to  see. 
Gosh  I  couldn't  say  anything  fer  about  a 
minnit,  that  feller  jist  looked  to  me  like  a 
picter  I'd  seen  in  a  story  book.  Wall  finally 
I  told  him  I  wanted  to  see  Henry  Higgins, 
if  it  wuz  the  same  Henry  I  used  to  know 
down  home  at  Punkin  Centre.     Wall  I  guess 


Punk  in   Centre  Stories  23 

Henry  he  must  a  heered  me  talkin',  cause 
he  jist  cum  out  and  grabbed  me  by  both 
hands  and  sed,  *'why  Josh  Weathersby,  how 
do  you  do,  cum  right  in."  Wall  he  took 
me  into  the  house  and  introduced  me  to 
more  wimmin  folks  than  I  ever  seen  before 
in  all  my  life  at  one  time,  I  guess  they  were 
havin'  some  kind  of  society  doins  at  Henry's 
house,  one  old  lady  sed  to  me,  ''my  dear 
Mr.  Weathersby,  I  am  so  pleased  to  meet 
you,  I've  heered  Mr.  Higgins  speak  about 
you  so  often."  Wall  by  chowder,  I  got  to 
blushin'  so  it  cum  pretty  nearsettin'  my  hair 
on  fire,  but  I  sed,  wall  now  I'm  right  glad 
to  know  you,  you  kind-er  put  me  in  mind  of 
old  Nancy  Smith  down  hum,  and  Nancy, 
she's  bin  tryin'  to  git  married  past  forty  sea- 
sons that  I  kin  remember  on.  Wall  Henry 
took  me  off  into  a  room  by  myself,  and  when 
I  got  on  my  store  clothes  and  my  new  calf 
skin  boots,  I  tell  you  I  looked  about  as 
scrimptious  as  any  of  them.  Wall  they  had 
a  dance,  I  think  they  called  it  a  cowtillion, 
and  that  wuz  whar  I  wuz  right  to  hum,  I 
jist  hopped  out  on  the  floor,  balanced  to 
partners,  swung  on  the  corners,  and  cut  up 
more  capers  than  any  young  feller  thar,  it 
jist  looked  as  if  all  the  ladies  wanted  to  dance 


24  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby''s 

with  me.  One  lady  wanted  to  know  if  I 
danced  the  german,  but  I  told  her  I  only 
danced  in  English. 

Wall  after  that  we  had  something  to  eat 
in  the  dinin'  room,  and  I  hadn't  any  more'n 
got  sot  down  and  got  to  eatin  right  good, 
when  that  durn  fool  with  the  knee  britches 
on  insulted  me,  he  handed  me  a  little  wash 
bowl  with  a  towel  round  it,  and  I  told  him 
he  needn't  cast  any  insinuations  at  me,  cause 
I  washed  my  hands  afore  I  cum  in.  If  it 
hadn't  a  bin  in  Henry's  house  I'd  took  a 
wrastle  out  of  him.  Wall  they  had  a  lot  of 
furrin  dishes,  sumthin  what  they  called  beef 
all  over  mud,  and  another  what  they  called 
a-charlotte  russia-a  little  shavin'  mug  made 
out  ot  cake  and  full  of  sweetened  lather,  wall 
that  was  mighty  good  eatin',  though  it  took  a 
lot  of  them,  they  wasn't  very  fillin'.  Then 
they  handed  me  somethin'  what  they  called 
ice  cream,  looked  to  me  like  a  hunk  of 
casteel  soap,  wall  I  stuck  my  fork  in  it  and 
tried  to  bite  it,  and  it  slipped  off  and  got 
inside  my  vest,  and  in  less  than  a  minnit  I 
wuz  froze  from  my  chin  to  my  toes.  I 
guess  I  cut  a  caper  at  Henry's  house. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  25 


Uncle  Josh  in  a  Chinese 
Laundry 

S'POSE  I  got  tangled  up  the 
other  day  with  the  dogonJest 
lookin'  critter  I  calculate  I  ever 
seen  in  all  my  born  days,  and 
I've  bin  around  purty  consid- 
erable. I'd  seen  all  sorts  of 
cooriosoties  and  monstrosities  in  ciikuses 
and  meenagerys,  but  that  vvuz  th(;  fust 
time  I'd  ever  seen  a  critter  with  hifi  head 
and  tail  on  the  same  end.  You  see  I 
sed  to  a  feller,  now  whar  abouts  in  New 
York  do  you  folks  git  your  washin'  done; 
when  I  left  hum  to  come  down  here  I  lowed 
I  had  enufif  with  me  to  do  me,  but  I've 
stayed  here  a  little  longer  than  I  calculated 
to,  and  if  I  don't  git  some  washin'  done  purty 
soon,  I'll  have  to  go  and  jump  in  the  river. 
Wall  he  wuz  a  bligm  sort  of  a  feller,  and 
he  told  me  thar  wuz  a  place  round  the  cor- 
ner whar  a  feller  done  all  the  washin',  so  I 
went  r(jund,  and  there  was  a  sine  on  the 
winder  what  sed  Hop  Quick,  or  Hop  Soon, 


26 


Uncle   Josh  JVeathersby'' s 


or  jump  up  and  hop,  or  some  other  kind  of 
a  durned  hop;  and  then  thar  wuz  a  lot  of 
figers  on  the  winder  that  I  couldn't  make 
head  nor  tail  on;  it  jist  looked  to  me  like  a 
chicken  with  mud  on  its  feet  had  walked 
over  that  winder. 

Wall    I  went  in   to  see    bout  gittin'  my 


Punkin  Centre  Stories  27 

washin'  done,  and  gosh  all  spruce  gum,  thar 
wasone  of  them  pig  tailed  heathen  Chineeze, 
he  jist  looked  fer  all  the  world  like  a  picter 
on  Aunt  Nancy  Smith's  tea  cups.  I  wuz 
sort  of  sot  back  fer  a  minnit,  coz  I  sed  to 
myself — I  don't  spose  this  durned  critter  can 
talk  English;  but  seein'  as  how  I'm  in  here, 
I  might  as  well  find  out.  So  I  told  him  I'd 
like  to  git  him  to  do  some  washin'  fer  me, 
and  he  commenced  a  talkin'  some  outland- 
ish lingo,  sounded  to  me  like  cider  runnin' 
out  of  a  jug,  somethin'  like — ung  tong 
oowong  lang  kai  moi  00  ung  wa,  velly  good 
washee.  Wall  I  understood  the  last  of  it 
and  jist  took  his  word  fer  the  rest,  so  I  giv 
him  my  clothes  and  he  giv  me  a  little  yaller 
ticket  that  he  painted  with  a  brush  what  he 
had,  and  Y\\  jist  bet  a  yoke  of  steers  agin  the 
holler  in  alog,  that  no  livin'  mortal  man  could 
read  that  ticket;  it  looked  like  a  fly  had  fell 
into  the  ink  bottle  and  then  crawled  over  the 
paper.  Wall  I  showed  it  to  a  gentleman 
what  was  a  standin'  thar  when  I  cum  out,  and 
I  sed  to  him — mister,  what  in  thunder  is  this 
here  thing,  and  he  sed  "Wall  sir  that's  a  sort 
of  a  lotery  ticket;  every  time  you  leave  your 
clothes  thar  to  have  them  washed  you  git 
one  of  them  tickets,  and    then  vou    ha\c  a 


28  Uncle  Josh  WeathersbyU 

chance  to  draw  a  prize  of  some  kind."  So 
I  sed — wall  now  I  want  to  know,  how  much 
is  the  blamed  thing  wuth,  and  he  sed  "I 
spose  bout  ten  cents,"  and  I  told  him  if  he 
wanted  my  chants  for  ten  cents  he  could  hav 
it,  I  didn't  want  to  get  tangled  up  in  any 
lotery  gamblin'  bizness  with  that  saucer  faced 
scamp.  So  he  giv  me  ten  cents  and  he  took 
the  ticket,  and  in  a  couple  of  days  I  went 
round  to  git  my  washin',  and  that  pig  tailed 
heathen  he  wouldn't  let  me  hev  em,  coz  I'd 
lost  that  lotery  ticket.  So  I  sed — now  look 
here  Mr.  Hop  Soon,  if  you  don't  hop  round 
and  git  me  my  collars  and  cif^fs  and  other 
clothes  what  I  left  here,  I'll  be  durned  if  I 
don't  flop  you  in  about  a  minnit,  I  will  by 
chowder.  Wall  that  critter  he  commenced 
hoppin  around  and  a  talkin  faster  'n  a  buzz 
saw  could  turn,  and  all  I  could  make  out 
wuz — mee  song  lay  tang  moo  me  oo  lay  ung 
yong  wo  say  mee  tickee.  Wall  I  seen  jist  as 
plain  as  could  be  that  he  wuz  a  tryin'  to  swin- 
dle me  outen  my  clothes,  so  I  made  a  grab 
fer  him,  and  in  less  'n  a  minnit  we  wuz  a 
rollin'  round  on  the  floor;  fust  I  wuz  on  top, 
and  then  Mr.  Hop  Soon  wuz  on  top^  and 
you  couldn't  hav  told  which  one  of  us  the 
pig  tail  belonged  to.      We  upset  the  stove 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  29 

v.i\6.  kicked  out  the  winder,  and  I  sot  Mr. 
Hop  Soon  in  the  wash  tub,  and  when  I  got 
out  of  thar  I  had  somebody's  washin'  in  one 
hand  and  about  five  yards  of  that  pig  tail  in 
tother,  and  Mr.  Hop  Soon,  he  wuz  standin' 
thar  yelHn' — ung  wa  moo  ye  song  ki  le  yung 
noy  song  oowe  pelecee,  pelecee,  pelecee. 
I  had  quite  a  time  with  that  heathen  critter. 


30 


Uncle  Josh  JVeathershy'' s 


LOOK  OUT,  MISTER,  YOU  ARE  GITTIN'  YOUR  POCKETS  PICKED. 


Punk  in   Centre  Stories 


31 


Uncle  Josh  in  a  Museum 

HEN  I  wuz  in  New  York  one 
day  I  wuz  a  walkin'  along  down 
the  street  when  I  cum  to  a  the- 
ater or  play  doins'  of  some  kind 
or  other,-  so  I  got  to  lookin'  at 
the  picters,  and  I  noticed  whar 
it  sed  it  only  cost  ten  cents  to  go  in,  and 
I  alowed  I  might  as  well  go  in  and  see 
it.  Wall  I  don't  spose  I'd  bin  in  thar 
over  five  minutes  afore  I  made  myself 
the  laffin'  stock  of  every  one  in  thar.  I 
noticed  a  feller  a  sottin'  thar  gittin'  his  boots 
blacked,  and  thar  was  a  durned  little  pick 
pockit  a  pickin'  his  pockits.  Wall  I  didn't 
want  to  see  him  git  robbed,  so  I  went  right 
up  to  him  and  I  sed — look  out  mister,  you 
air  gittin'  your  pockits  picked,  wall  sir,  that 
durned  cuss  never  sed  a  word  and  every 
body  commenced  to  laf?,  and  I  looked  round 
to  see  what  they  wuz  a  laffin'  at,  and  it  wan't 
no  man  at  all,  nothin'  only  a  durned  old  wax 
figger.  I  never  felt  so  durned  foolish  since 
the  day  I  popped  the  question  to  Samantha. 


32  Uncle  Josh   Weathersby''s 

Wall  then  I  looked  round  a  spell  longer,  and 

thar  wuz  a  feller  what  they  called  the  human 

pin  cushion,  and  he  wuz  stuck  chock  full  of 

needles  and  pins  and  looked  like  a  hedge 

hog;    he'd  be  a  mighty  handy  feller  at  a 

quiltin'.     Wall,  then  a  feller  cum  along  and 

sed,    "everybody   over   to  this  end   of  the 

hall."     Wall,  I  went  along  with  the  rest  of 

them,  and  durn  my  buttins  if  thar  wa'nt  a 

feller  what  had  more  picters  painted  on  him 

than  thar  is  in  a  story  book.     Wall,  I'd  jist 

got  to  lookin'  at  him  when  that  feller  what 

had  charge  sed,  "  right  this  way  everybody," 

and  we  all  went  into  whar  they  wuz  havin' 

the  theater  doins',  and  I  got  sot  down  and  a 

feller  cum  out   and  sung  a  song  I  hadn't 

heered  since  I  wuz  a  youngster.     Neer  as  I 

kin  remember  it  wuz  this  way — 

Kind  friends  I  hain't  had  but  one  sleigh  ride  this  year, 

And  I  cum  within  one  of  not  bein'  here, 
The  facts  I'll  relate  near  as  I  kin  remember, 

It  happened  some  time  'bout  last  December. 
Li  too  ra  loo  ri  too  ra  loo 
ri  too  ra  loo  la  ri  do. 

The  load  was  composed  of  both  girls  and  boys, 

All  tryin'  to  outdo  the  other  in  noise. 
And  the  way  that  we  guarded  agin  the  cold  weather 

Wuz  settin*  all  up  spoon  fashion  together. 

Li  too  ra  loo  ri  too  ra  loo 
ri  too  ra  loo  ri  li  do. 


Punkin   Centre  Stones  3-^ 

Wall,  they  had  a  parrit  in  that  place  and 
the  way  he  sputtered  and  jabbered  and 
talked!  He  wuz  a  whole  show  all  to  him- 
self. Wall,  I  bought  one  of  them  birds  from 
a  feller  one  time — he  said  it  wuz  a  good 
talker.  Wall,  I  took  it  hum  and  hed  it 
about  three  months,  and  it  never  sed  a 
durned  word.  I  put  in  most  of  my  spare 
time  tryin'  to  git  it  to  say  "  Uncle  Josh,"  but 
the  durned  critter  wouldn't  do  it,  so  I  got 
mad  at  him  one  day  and  throwed  him  out  in 
the  barn  yard  amongst  the  chickens,  and  left 
him  thar.  Wall,  when  I  went  out  the  next 
mornin',  I  tell  you  thar  wuz  a  sight.  Half 
of  them  chickens  wuz  dead,  and  the  rest  of 
'em  wuz  skeered  to  death,  and  that  durned 
parrit  had  a  rooster  by  the  neck  up  agin  the 
barn,  and  jist  a  givin'  him  an  awful  whippin', 
and  every  time  he'd  hit  him  he'd  say,  "  Now 
you  say  Uncle  Josh,  gol  durn  you,  you  say 
Uncle  Josh." 


34 


Uncle  Josh  lVeathersby''s 


LOOKED  UKE  A  l,OONYTICK.  ASVI.IZ.M   10   MR 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


35 


Uncle  Josh  in  Wall  Street 


USED  to  read  in  our  town  paper 
down  home  at  Punkin  Centre 
a  whole  lot  about  Wall  street 
and  them  bulls  and  bears, 
and  one  thing  and  another,  so 
I  jist  sed  to  myself — now 
Joshua,  when  you  git  down  to  New  York 
City,  that's  jist  what  you  want  to  jee.  Wall, 
when  I  got  to  New  York,  I  got  a  feller  to 
show  me  whar  it  wuz,  and  I'll  be  durned 
if  I  know  why  they  call  it  Wall  street; 
it  didn't  hav  any  wall  round  it.  I  walked 
up  and  down  it  bout  an  ho-  and  a  half, 
and  I  couldn't  find  any  stock  exchange 
or  see  any  place  fer  watterin'  any  stock.  1 
couldn't  see  a  pig  nor  a  cow,  nor  a  sheep 
nor  a  calf,  or  anything  else  that  looked  like 
stock  to  me.  So  finally  I  sed  to  a  gentle- 
man— Mister,  whar  do  they  keep  the  men- 
agery  down  here.  He  sed  "what  menag- 
ery?"  I  sed  the  place  whar  they've  got  all 
them  bulls  and  bears  a  fitin'.  Wall  he  looked 
at   me  as  though  he  thought  I  wuz  crazy, 


36  Uncle  Josh   JFeathersby'' s 

and  I  guess  he  did,  but  he  sed  "you  cum 
along  with  me,  guess  I  can  show  you  what 
you  want  to  see."  Wall  I  went  along  with 
him,  and  he  took  me  up  to  some  public  in- 
stitushun,  near  as  I  could  make  out  it  wuz  a 
loonytick  asylem.  Wall  he  took  me  into  a. 
room  about  two  akers  and  a  half  squar,  and 
thar  wuz  about  two  thousand  of  the  crazyest 
men  in  thar  I  ever  seen  in  all  my  life.  The 
minnit  I  sot  eyes  on  them  I  knowed  they  wuz 
all  crazy,  and  I'd  hav  to  umer  them  if  I  got 
out  of  thar  alive.  One  feller  wuz  a  standin' 
on  the  top  of  a  table  with  a  lot  of  papers  in 
his  hand,  and  a  yellin'  like  a  Comanche 
injin,  and  all  the  rest  of  them  wuz  tryin'  to 
git  at  him.  Finally  I  sed  to  one  of  'em — 
Mister,  what  are  you  a  tryin'  to  do  with  that 
feller  up  thar  on  the  table?  And  he  sed, 
"Wall  he's  got  five  thousand  bushels  of 
wheat  and  we  are  tryin'  to  git  it  away  from 
him."  Wall,  jist  the  minnit  he  sed  that  I 
knowed  fer  certain  they  wuz  all  crazy,  cos 
nobody  but  a  crazy  man  would  ever  think 
he  had  five  thousand  bushels  of  wheat  in  his 
coat  and  pants  pockits.  Wall  when  they 
wan't  a  looking  I  got  out  of  thar,  and  I  felt 
mighty  thankful  to  git  out.  There  wuz  a 
feller  standin'   on  the  front  steps;  he  had  a 


Piinkm   Centre  Stories  37 

sort  of  a  unyform  on;  I  guess  he  wuz  Super- 
intendent of  the  institushun;  he  talked  purty 
sassy  to  me.  I  sed,  Mister,  what  time  does 
the  fust  car  go  up  town.  He  sed  *'the  fust 
'one  went  about  twenty-five  years  ago."  I 
sed  to  him — is  that  my  car  over  thar?  He 
sed  "no  sir,  that  car  belongs  to  the  street  car 
company."  I  sez,  wall  guess  I'll  talte  it  any- 
how. He  says  "you'd  better  not,  thar's  bin 
a  good  many  cars  missed  around  here 
lately."  I  sed,  wall  now,  I  want  to  know, is 
thar  anything  round  here  any  fresher  than 
you  be?  He  sed,  "yes,  sir,  that  bench 
you're  a  sotten  on  is  a  little  fresher;  they 
painted  it  about  ten  minnits  ago."  Wall,  I 
got  up  and  looked,  and  durned  if  he  wasn't 
right. 


38 


Uncle  Josh  WeathershyU 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


39 


he  sed, 
offis?" 


u. 


Uncle  Josh  and  the  Fire 
Department 

NE  day  in  New  York,  1  thot  I'd 
rite  a  letter  home.  Wall  after 
I'd  got  it  all  writ,  I  sed  to  the 
landlord  of  the  tavern — now, 
whar  abouts  in  New  York  do 
you  keep  the  post  ofiis?  And 
what  do  you  want  with  the  post 
So  I  told  him  I'd  jist  writ  a  letter 
home  to  mother  and  Samantha  Ann,  and 
I'd  like  to  go  to  the  post  offis  and  mail 
it.  And  he  told  me  ''you  don't  have  to 
go  to  the  post  oifis,  do  you  see  that  little 
box  on  the  post  thar  on  the  corner?"  I 
alowed  as  how  I  did.  Wall  he  says,  ''You 
jist  go  out  thar  and  put  your  letter  in  that 
box,  and  it  will  go  right  to  the  post  offis," 
I  sed — wall  now,  gee  whiz,  ain't  that  handy. 
Wall  I  went  out  thar,  and  I  had  a  good  deal 
of  trouble  in  gittin'  the  box  open,  and  when 
I  did  git  it  open,  thar  wan't  any  place  to  put 
my  letter,  thar  wuz  a  lot  of  nobs  and  hooks 


40  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby''s 

and  hinges,  and  a  lot  of  readin,'  it  sed — 
"pull  on  the  hook  twice  and  turn  the  knob," 
or  somethin'  like  that,  I  couldn't  jist  rightly 
make  it  out.  Wall  I  yanked  on  that  hook 
'till  I  tho't  I'd  pull  it  out  by  the  roots,  but  I 
couldn't  git  the  durned  thing  open,  then  I 
turned  on  the  knob  two  or  three  times,  and 
that  didn't  do  any  good,  so  I  pulled  on  the 
hook  and  turned  on  the  knob  at  the  same 
time,  and  jist  then  I  think  all  the  fire  bells 
in  New  York  commenced  to  ringin'  all  to 
onct.  Wall  I  looked  round  to  see  whar  the 
fire  wuz,  and  a  lot  of  fire  ingines  and  hook 
and  ladder  wagons  cum  a  gallopin'  up  to 
whar  I  stood,  and  they  had  a  big  sody  water 
bottle  on  wheels,  and  it  busted  and  squirted 
sody  water  all  over  me.  Wall  one  of  them 
fire  fellers,  lookin'  jist  like  I'd  seen  them  in 
picters  in  Ezra  Hoskin's  insurance  papers, 
he  cum  up  to  me  madder'n  a  hornet,  and  he 
sed  ''what  are  you  tryin'  to  do  with  that 
box?"  So  I  told  him  I'd  jist  writ  a  letter 
home,  and  I  wuz  a  tryin'  to  mail  it.  He  sed 
"why  you  durned  old  green  horn,  you've 
called  out  the  hull  fire  department  of  New 
York  City."  Wall  I  guess  you  could  have 
knocked  me  down  with  a  feather.  I  sed — 
wall  you'r  a   purty   healthy   lookin'    lot   of 


Piinkln   Centre  Stories  41 

fellers,  it  won't  hurt  ye  any  to  go  back,  will 
it?  Wall  he  sed,  "thars  your  letter  box  over 
on  thother  corner,  now  you  let  this  box 
alone."  Wall  they  all  drove  away,  and  I 
went  over  to  the  other  box,  but  I  didn't 
know  whether  to  touch  it  or  not,  I  didn't 
know  but  maybe  I'd  call  out  the  state  legis- 
later  if  I  opened  it.  Wall  while  I  wuz  a 
standin'  thar  a  feller  cum  along  and  looked 
all  round,  and  when  he  thot  thar  wan't  any 
body  watchin'  him,  he  opened  that  box  and 
commenced  takin'  the  letters  out.  Wall  I'd 
heered  a  whole  lot  'bout  them  post  of!is 
robbers,  when  I  wuz  post  master  down  home 
at  Punkin  Center,  so  jist  arrested  him  right 
thar,  I  took  him  by  the  nap  of  the  neck  and 
flopped  him  right  down  on  the  side  walk, 
and  sot  on  him,  I  hollered — murder/  perleesf 
and  every  other  thing  I  could  think  of,  and 
a  lot  of  constables  and  town  marshalls  cum  a 
runnin'  up,  and  one  of  them  sed  "what  are 
you  holdin'  this  man  fer?"  and  I  told  him 
I'd  caught  him  right  in  the  act  of  robbin' 
the  United  States  Post  Ofhs,  and  by  gosh  I 
arrested  him.  Wall  they  all  commenced  a 
laffin',  and  I  found  out  Td  arrested  one  of 
the  post  masters  of  New  York  City. 

I  lost  mother's  letter  and  she  never  did 
git  it. 


42 


Uncle  Josh  lVeatIiersby\ 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  43 


Uncle  Josh  in  an  Auction 
Room 

'D  seen  a  good  many  funny  things 
in  New  York  at  one  time  and 
another,  so  the  last  day  I  wuz 
thar,  I  wuz  a  packin'  up  my 
traps,  a  gittin'  ready  to  go 
home,  when  I  jist  conclooded 
I'd  go  out  and  buy  somethin'  to  remember 
New  York  by. 

Wall  I  wuz  a  walkin'  along  down  the 
street  when  I  cum  to  a  place  whar  they  wuz 
auckshuneerin'  off  a  lot  of  things.  I  stopped 
to  see  what  they  had  to  sell.  Wall  that  place 
wuz  jist  chuck  full  of  old-fashioned  coorios- 
itys.  I  saw  an  old  book  thar,  they  sed  it  wuz 
five  hundred  years  old,  and  it  belonged  at 
one  time  to  Loois  the  Seventeenth  or  Eigh- 
teenth, or  some  of  them  old  rascals;  durned 
if  I  believe  anybody  could  read  it. 

Wall  I  commenced  a  biddin'  on  different 
things,  but  it  jist  looked  as  though  every- 
body had  more  money  than  I  did,  and  they 
sort  of  out-bid  me;  but  finally  they  put  up 


44  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby''s 

an  old-fashioned  shugar  bowl  fer  sale,  and  I 
wanted  to  git  that  mighty  bad,  cos  I  thought 
as  how  mother  would  like  it  fust  rate.  Wall 
I  commenced  a  biddin'  on  ft,  and  it  wuz 
knocked  down  to  me  fer  thiee  dollars  and 
fifty  cents.  I  put  my  hand  in  my  pockit  to 
git  my  pockit  book  to  pay  fer  it,  and  by  gosh 
it  was  gone.  So  I  went  up  to  the  feller  what 
wuz  a  sellin'  the  things,  and  I  sed — now  look 
here  mister,  will  you  jist  wait  a  minnit  with 
your  "goin'  at  thirty  make  it  thirty-five, 
once,  twice,  three  times  a  goin'  ",  and  he 
sed  ''wall  now  what's  the  matter  with  you?" 
And  I  sed,  there's  matter  enufif,  by  gosh; 
when  I  cum  in  here  I  had  a  pockit  book  in 
my  pockit,  had  fifty  dollars  in  it,  and  I  lost 
it  somewhars  round  here;  I  wish  you'd  say 
to  the  feller  what  found  it  that  I'll  give  five 
dollars  fer  it;  another  feller  sed  ''make  it 
ten,"  another  sed  "give  you  twenty,"  and 
another  sed  "go  you  twenty-five." 

Durned  if  I  know  which  one  of  'em  got 
it;  when  I  left  they  wuz  still  a  biddin'  on  it. 


Advice — Advice  is  somethin'  the  other  feller  can't 
use,  so  he  gives  it  to  you. 

—  Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  45 


Uncle  Josh  on  a  Fifth  Ave. 

'Bus 

WUZ  always  sort  of  fond  of 
ridin',  so  1  guess  while  I  wuz 
down  in  New  York  I  rode  on 
about  everything  they've  got 
to  ride  on  thar.  I  wuz  on  hoss 
cars  and  hot  air  cars,  and 
them  sky  light  elevated  roads.  Wall,  I 
had  jist  about  cum  to  the  conclushun  that 
every  street  in  New  York  had  a  different 
kind  of  a  street  car  on  it,  but  I  found  one 
that  didn't  have  cars  of  any  kind,  I  think 
they  call  it  Avenoo  Five.  Wall,  I  wuz  a 
standin'  thar  one  day  a  watchin*  the  people 
and  things  go  by,  when  all  to  onct  along  cum 
the  durndest  lookin'  contraption  I  calculate 
I  ever  seen  in  my  life.  It  wuz  a  sort  of  u 
wagon,  kind  of  a  cross  between  a  band  wagon 
and  a  hay  rack,  and  it  had  a  pair  of  stairs 
what  commenced  at  the  hind  end  and  ram- 
bled around  all  over  the  wagon.  I  sed  to  a 
gentleman  standin'  thar:  ''  Mr.  in  the  name 
of  all  that's  good  and  bad,  what  do  you  call 


46 


Uncle  Josh   Weathersby^'s 


that  thing?"  He  sed:  ''Wall,  sir,  that's  a 
Fifth  Avenoo  'bus."  I  sed:  *'Wall,  now, 
I  want  to  know,  kin  I  ride  on  it?"  And  he 
sed:  "You  kin  if  you've  got  a  nickel." 
Wall,  I  got  in  and  sot  down,  and  I  jist  about 
busted  my  buttins  a  laffin'  at  things  what 
happened  in  that  'bus.     Thar  wuz  a  young 


Pun  kin   Centre  Stories  47 

lady  cum  in  and  sot  down,  and  she  had  a 
Httle  valise  in  her  hand,  'bout  a  foot  squar. 
Wall,  she  opened  the  valise  and  took  out  a 
purse  and  shet  the  valise,  then  she  opened 
the  purse  and  took  out  a  dime,  and  shet  the 
purse,  opened  the  valise  and  put  in  the 
purse,  and  shet  the  valise,  then  she  handed 
the  dime  to  a  feller  sottin'  out  on  the  front 
of  the  'bus,  and  he  give  her  a  nickel  back. 
Then  she  opened  the  valise  and  took  out  the 
purse,  shet  the  valise  and  opened  the  purse 
and  put  in  the  nickel  and  shet  the  purse, 
opened  the  valise  and  put  in  the  purse  and 
shet  the  valise,  then  sed,  *'Stop  the  bus, 
please."  Wall,  I  had  to  snicker  right  out, 
though  I  done  my  best  not  to,  but  I  jist 
couldn't  help  it.  I  didn't  have  any  small 
change  so  I  handed  the  feller  a  five-dollar 
bill.  Wall,  that  feller  jist  sot  and  looked  at 
it  fer  a  spell,  then  he  sed  *'  whoa  I "  stopped 
the  bosses,  cum  round  to  the  hind  end  of 
the  'bus  and  he  sed:  "Who  give  me  that 
five-dollar  bill?"  I  sed:  "I  did,  and  it 
was  a  good  one,  too."  He  sed:  "Wall, 
you  cum  out  here,  I  want  to  see  you." 
Wall,  I  didn't  know  what  he  wanted,  but  I 
jist  made  up  my  mind  if  he  indulged  in  any 
foolishness  with  me  Fd  flop  him  in  about  a 


^8  Uncle  Josh   IVeathersby'' s 

minnit.  Wall,  I  got  out  thar,  and  he  sed: 
■'  Now  look  here,  honest  injun,  did  you  give 
me  that  five-dollar  bill?"  I  sed:  ''Yes, 
sir,  that's  jist  w^hat  I  done,"  and  he  sed, 
"  Wall,  now,  which  one  of  the  hosses  do  you 
want?"  Gosh,  I  don't  believe  I'd  gin  him 
five  dollars  fer  the  whole  durned  outfit. 


Ambition — Somethin'    that  has  made  one    man   s 
senator,  and  another  man  a  convict. 

—  Punkin  Centre  Philosophy 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


49 


Uncle  Josh  in  a  Department 

Store 

NE  day  while  I  wuz  in  New 
York  I  sed  to  a  feller,  now 
whar  kin  I  find  one  of  them 
stores  whar  they  hav  purtynear 
everything  to  sell  what  thar  is 
on  earth,  and  he  sed  "I  guess 
you  mean  a  department  store,  don't  you?" 
I  sed,  wall  I  don't  know  bout  that;  they 
may  sell  departments  at  one  of  them  stores, 
but  what  I  want  to  git  is  some  muzlin 
and  some  caliker.  Wall  he  showed  me 
which  way  to  go,  and  I  started  out,  and 
wuz  walkin'  along  down  the  street  look- 
in'  at  things,  when  some  feller  throwed 
a  bananer  peelin'  on  the  sidewalk.  Wall 
now  I  don't  think  much  of  a  man  what 
throws  a  bananer  peelin'  on  the  sidewalk, 
and  I  don't  think  much  of  a  bananer 
what  throws  a  man  on  the  sidewalk, 
neether.  Wall,  by  chowder,  my  foot  hit 
that  bananer  peelin'  and  I  went  up  in  the 
air,  and  cum  down  ker-plunk,  and  fer  about 


50 


Uncle  Josh    IV  eat  her  shy''  s 


a  minnit  I  seen  all  the  stars  what  stronomy 
tells  about,  and  some  that  haintbeen  discov- 
ered yit.  Wall  jist  as  I  wuz  pickin'  myself 
up  a  little  boy  cum  runnin'  crost  the  street, 
and  he  sed  ''Oh  mister,  won't  you  please  do 
that  agin,  my  mother  didn't  see  you  do  it." 
Wall  I  wish  I  could  a  got  my  hands  on  that 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  51 

little    rascal   fer     about    a    minnit,    and    his 
mother  would  a  seen  me  do  it. 

I  found  one  of  them  stores  finally,  and  I 
got  on  the  inside  and  told  a  feller  what  1 
wanted,  and  he  sent  me  over  to  a  red-headed 
girl,  and  she  sent  me  over  to  a  bald-headed 
feller;  she  sed  he  didn't  have  anythin'  to  do 
only  walk  the  floor  and  answer  questions. 
Wall  I  went  up  to  him  and  I  sed,  mister  Tm 
sort  of  a  stranger  round  here,  wish  you'd 
show  me  round  'til  I  do  a  little  bargainin'. 
And  he  sed  *'Oh  you  git  out,  you've  got  hay 
seed  in  your  hair."  Wall  I  jist  looked  at 
that  bald  head  of  hisn,  and  I  sed,  wall  now, 
you  haint  got  any  hay  seed  in  your  hair,  hav 
you?  Everybody  commenced  alaflfin',  and  he 
got  purty  riled,  so  he  sed,  smart  like,  ''jist 
step  this  way,  please."  Wall  he  showed  me 
round  and  I  bought  what  I  wanted,  and 
when  I  cum  to  pay  the  feller  what  I  had  to 
pay,  it  didn't  look  as  though  I  wuz  a  goin' 
to  git  any  of  my  money  back.  I  handed  him 
a  ten  dollar  bill,  and  he  jist  took  it  and  put  it 
in  a  little  baskit  and  hitched  it  onto  a  wire, 
and  the  durned  thing  commenced  runnin' 
all  over  the  store.  Wall  now  you  can  jist 
bet  your  boots  I  lit  out  right  after  it;  I  chased 
it  up  one  side  and  down  the  other,  I  knocked 


^2  Uncle  Josh   Weathershy^ s 

down  five  or  six  wimmin  clerks,  and  I  upsot 
five  or  six  bargain  counters;  I  tookawrastle 
out  of  that  bald-headed  feller,  and  jist  then 
some  one  commenced  to  holler  "c^j/z"  and 
I  sed  yep,  that's  what  I'm  after.  Wall  1 
chased  that  durned  little  baskit  round  'til  I 
got  up  to  it,  and  when  I  did  I  was  right  thar 
whar  I  started  from.  Gee  whiz,  I  never  felt 
more  foolish  in  all  my  life. 


Prosperity — Consists  principally  of  contentment,  for 

the  man  who  is  contented  is  prosperous,  in  his  own  way 

of  thinking,  though   his  neighbors  may  have  a  different 

opinion. 

— Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  53 


Uncle  Josh's  Comments  on  the 
Signs  Seen  in  New  York 

SEEN  a  good  many  funny  things 
when  I  wuz  in  New  York,  but 
I  think  some  of  the  sines  what 
they've  got  on  some  of  the 
bildins'  are  'bout  as  funny  as 
anything  I  ever  seen  in  my  life- 
I  wuz  walkin'  down  the  street  one  day 
and  I  seen  a  sine,  it  sed  '^  Quick  Lunch." 
Wall,  I  felt  a  little  hungry,  so  I  went  into 
the  resturant  or  bordin'  house,  or  whatever 
they  call  it,  and  they  had  some  sines  hangin' 
on  the  walls  in  thar  that  jist  about  made  me 
lafif  all  over.  I  noticed  one  sine  sed  "Put 
your  trust  in  the  Lord,"  and  right  under  it 
wuz  another  sine  what  sed  "Try  our  mince 
pies."  Wall,  I  tried  one  of  them,  and  I 
want  to  tell  you  right  now,  if  you  eat  many 
of  them  mince  pies  you  want  to  put  your 
trust  in  the  Lord. 

Wall,  I  got  out  of  thar,  and  I  walked 
along  fer  quite  a  spell,  and  finally  I  cum  to 
a  store  what  had  a  lot  of  red,  white  and  blue, 


54 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby''s 


and  yaller  and  purple  lights  in  the  winder. 
Wall,  I  stopped  to  look  at  it,  cos  it  wuz  a 
purty  thing,  and  they  had  a  sine  in  that  win- 
der that  jist  tickled  me,  it  sed,  "Frog  in 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  55 

your  throat  10c."  I  wouldn't  put  one  of 
them  critters  in  my  throat  fer  ten  dollars. 

Wall,  jist  a  little  further  up  the  street  I 
seen  another  sine  what  sed  "  Boots  blacked 
on  the  inside."  Now,  any  feller  what  gits 
his  boots  blacked  on  the  inside  ain't  got 
much  respect  fer  his  socks.  I  git  mine 
blacked  on  the  outside.  Then  I  cum  to  a 
sine  what  had  a  lot  of  'lectric  lights  shinin' 
on  it,  and  I  could  read  it  jist  as  plain  as  day; 
so  I  happened  to  turn  round  and  when  I 
looked  at  that  sine  agin,  it  wa'nt  the  same 
sine  at  all,  and  jist  then  it  changed  right  in 
front  of  my  very  eyes,  and  I  cum  to  the  con- 
clooshun  that  some  feller  on  the  inside  wuz 
a  turnin'  on  it  jist  to  have  fun  with  folks,  so 
I  cum  away;  but  I  had  a  mighty  good  laff 
or  two  watchin'  other  folks  git  fooled,  cos  it 
would  turn  fust  one  way  and  then  the  t'other, 
and  'fore  you  could  make  up  your  mind 
what  it  wuz,  the  durned  thing  wouldn't  be 
that  at  all. 

A  little  further  up  the  street  I  seen  a  sine 
what  sed,  "This  is  the  door."  Now,  any 
durned  fool  could  see  it  wuz  a  door.  And 
then  I  seen  another  sine  what  sed  "Walk 
in."  Wall,  now,  I  wunder  how  in  thunder 
they  thought  a  feller  wuz  a  goin'  to  cum  in, 


56  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby'' s 

on  hoss  back,  or  on  a  bisickle,  or  how.  And 
then  I  seen  another  sine,  it  wuz  in  a  winder 
and  had  a  lot  of  tools  around  it,  and  the  sine 
sed,  ^'Cast  iron  sinks."  Wall,  now,  any 
durned  fool  what  don't  know  that  cast  iron 
sinks,  ought  to  have  some  one  feel  his  head 
and  find  out  what  ails  him. 


Punk  in   Centre  Stories 


S7 


Uncle  Josh  on  a  Street  Car 

wow  I'll  jist  bet  I  had  more  fun 
to  the  squar  inch  while  I  vvuz 
in  New  York,  than  any  old  fel- 
ler what  ever  broke  out  of  a 
New  England  smoke  house.  1 
had  a  little  the  durnd'st  time 
a  ridin'  on  them  street  cars  what  they 
got  thar.  Wall  I  wa'nt  a  ridin'  on  'em 
near  as  much  as  I  wuz  a  runnin'  after 
'em  tryin'  to  ketch  'em.  Gosh,  I  wuz 
a  runnin'  after  street  cars  and  fire  ingines, 
and  every  durned  thing  with  red  wheels  on 
it,  I  calculate  I  run  about  a  mile  and  a  half 
after  a  feller  one  day  to  tell  him  the  water 
what  he  had  in  his  wagon  wuz  all  leakin' 
out,  and  when  I  caught  up  to  him  I  found 
out  it  wuz  a  durned  old  sprinklin'  cart. 

Wall  I  got  on  one  of  them  street  cars  one 
day,  and  it  wuz  purty  crowded,  and  thar 
wa'nt  anyplace  fer  me  to  sot  down,  so  I  had 
tc  hang  onto  one  of  them  little  harness  straps 
along  side  of  the  car.  So  1  got  holt  of  a 
strap  and  I  wuz  hangin'  on,  when  the  con- 


58 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby'' s 


ductor  sed  "old  man,  you'r  goin'  to  be  in 
the  road  thar,  you'd  better  move  up  a  little 
further,  wall  I  moved  up  a  little  w^ays  and  I 
stepped  on  a  feller's  toe,  and  gee  whiz,  he 
got  madder'n  a  wet  hen,  he  sed,  'can't  you 
see  whar  you'r  a  steppin'?"     I  sed,  "guess 


Piinkin   Centre  Stories  59 

I  kin,  but  you  brought  them  feet  in  here, 
and  I've  got  to  step  some  whar."  Wall 
every  one  begin  to  laff,  and  the  conductor 
sed,  "old  man  you'r  makin'  too  much  trou- 
ble, you'll  have  to  move  for'ard  again,"  and 
I  got  off  'n  the  gosh  durned  old  car;  I  paid 
him  a  nickel  to  ride,  but  I  guess  I  might  as 
w^ell  have  walked,  I  w^uz  a  walkin'  purty 
much  all  the  time  I  v^uz  in  thar. 

Wall  I  got  onto  another  car,  and  I  got 
sot  down,  and  I  never  laffed  so  much  in  all 
my  life.  Up  in  one  end  of  the  car  thar  wuz 
a  little  slim  lady,  and  right  along  side  of  her 
wuz  a  big  fleshy  lady,  and  it  didn't  look  as 
though  the  little  slim  lady  wuz  a  gittin' 
more'n  about  two  cents  and  a  half  worth  of 
room,  so  finally  she  turned  round  to  the 
fleshy  lady  and  sed,  "they  ought  to  charge 
by  weight  on  this  line,"  and  the  big  lady  sed 
"Wall  if  they  did  they  wouldn't  stop  fer 
you."     Gosh  I  had  to  snicker  right  out  loud. 

Thar  wuz  a  little  boy  a  sottin'  alongside 
of  the  big  lady,  and  three  ladys  got  onto  the 
car  all  to  onct,  and  thar  wa'nt  any  place  fer 
'em  to  sot  down,  and  so  the  big  lady  sed — 
"little  boy,  you'd  oughter  git  up  and  let  one 
of  them  ladys  sot  down,"  and  the  little  boy 
sed^  "you  git  up  and  they  can  all  sot  down." 


6o  Uncle  Josh   Weathershy'' s 

Wall  by  that  time  your  uncle  wuz  a  laffin' 
right  out. 

Sottin'  right  alongside  of  me  wuz  a  lady 
and  she  had  the  purtiest  little  baby  I  calcu- 
late I'd  ever  seen  in  all  my  born  days,  I 
wanted  to  be  sociable  with  the  little  feller 
so  I  jist  sort  of  waved  my  hand  at  him,  and 
sed  how-d'e-do  baby,  and  that  lady  just 
looked  atme  scornful  like  and  sed  "rubber," 
wall  I  wuz  never  more  sot  back,  I  guess  you 
could  have  knocked  me  down  with  a  feather, 
I  thought  it  was  a  genuine  baby,  I  didn't 
know  the  little  thing  was  rubber. 

Wall  I  noticed  up  in  one  end  of  the  car 
thar  wuz  a  little  round  masheen,  and  the 
conductor  had  a  clothes  line  tied  to  it,  and 
e^very  time  he  got  a  nickel  he'd  yank  on  that 
clothes  line,  and  fust  it  sed  in  and  then  it  sed 
out,  I  couldn't  tell  what  all  them  little  ins 
and  outs  meant,  but  I  jist  cum  to  the  con- 
clusion it  showed  how  much  the  conductor 
wuz  in  and  the  company  wuz  out. 

Wall  I  got  to  talkin'  to  that  feller  on  the 
front  end  of  the  car,  and  he  wuz  a  purty 
nice  sort  of  a  feller,  he  showed  me  how 
every  thing  worked  and  told  me  all  about  it, 
wall  when  I  got  ofJ  I  sed — good  bye,  mister, 
hope    I'll  see  you   agin    some  time,  and  he 


Punktn   Centre  Stories  (>l 

sed,  '*oh,  I'll  run  acrost  you  one  of  these 
days,"  I  told  him  by  gosh  he  wouldn't  run 
acrost  me  if  I  seen  him  a  comin'. 


02 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby^s 


I  BRAVEI^Y  MARCHED  OUT  ON  THE  FI,OOR. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  63 


My  Fust  Pair  of  Copper  Toed 

Boots 

HAR'S    a    feelin'    of    pleasure, 
mixed  in  with  some  pain, 
That  over  my  memory  scoots, 
When  I  think  of  my  boyhood 
days  once   again 
And  my  fust  pair  of  copper 
toed  boots. 
How  our  folks  stood  around  when  I  fust  tried 
them  on, 
And  bravely  marched  out  on  the  floor. 
And  father  remarked  "thar  a  mighty  good  fit 
And  the  best  to  be  had  at  the  store." 

That  night,  I  remember,  I  took  them  to  bed, 

With  the  rest  of  us  little  galoots. 
And  among  other  things  in  my  prars  which 
I  sed 

Wuz  a  reference  to  copper  toed  boots. 
And  then  in  the  mornin'  the  fust  one  on  hand 

Wuz  me  and  my  new  acquisition. 
And  thar  wuzn't  a  spot  in  the  house  that  I 
missed, 

From  the  garret  clar  down  to  the  kitchen. 


64  Uncle  Josh  lVeathersby''s 

Then  with  feelin's  expandin',   and   huntin' 
fer  room, 
I  concluded  I'd  help  do  the   chores; 
Fer  I  felt  as  though  somethin'  wuz    goin' 
to  bust 
If  I  didn't  git  right  out  of  doors. 
But  those  boots  they  were  new,  and  the  Ice 
it  wuz  slick, 
And  I  couldn't  get  one  way  or  tother. 
And  I  jlst  had  to  stand  right  there  In  one  spot 
And  holler  like  thunder  fer  mother. 

But  trouble's  a  blessing  sometimes  in  disguise 

Fer  I  larned  right  thar  on  the  spot, 
That  the  best  sort  of  knowledge  to  hav  in 
this  world 

Is  that  by  experience  taught. 
So   though  many  years   have   since    passed 
away, 

And  I've  ventured  on  various  routes, 
I'm  still  tryin'  things  jlst  as  risky  today 

As  my  fust  pair  of  copper  toed  boots. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


65 


Uncle  Josh  in  Police  Court 

NEVER  wuz  in  a  town  in  my 
life  what  had  as  many  cort 
houses  in  it  as  New  York  has 
got.  It  jist  seemed  to  me  Hke 
every  judge  in  New  York  had 
a  cort  house  of  his  own,  and 
most  of  them  cort  houses  seemed  to  be 
along  side  of  some  markit  house.  Thar 
wuz  the  Jefferson  Markit  Cort,  and  the  Es- 
sicks  Markit  Cort,  and  several  other  corts 
and  markits,  and  markits  and  corts,  I  can't 
remember  now.  Wall,  I  used  to  be  Jestice 
of  the  Peece  down  home  at  Punkin  Center, 
and  I  wuz  a  little  anxious  to  see  how  they 
handled  law  and  jestice  in  New  York  City, 
so  one  mornin'  I  went  down  to  one  of  them 
cort  houses,  and  thar  wuz  more  different 
kinds  of  people  in  thar  than  I  ever  seen 
afore.  Thar  wuz  all  kinds  of  nationalitys— 
Norweegans,  Germans,  Sweeds,  Hebrews, 
and  Skandynavians,  Irish  and  colored  folks, 
old  and  young,  dirty  and  clean,  good,  bad 
and  vvorse.     The  Judge,  he  wuz  a  sottin'  up 


66 


Uncle  Josh   Weathersby'' s 


en  the  bench,  and  a  sayin':  "Ten  days; 
t.n  dollars;  Geery  society;  foundiin'  asy- 
lum ;  case  dismissed  ;  bring  in  the  next  pris- 
oner," and  the  Lord  only  knows  what  else. 
Wall,  seme  of  the  cases  they  tried  in  that 
cort  house  rictde  me  snicker  right  out  loud. 
They  brought  in  a  little  Irish  feller,  and  the 
Judge  sed  :  "  Prisoner,  what  is  your  name  ?  " 


Pun  kin   Centre   Stories  67 

And  the  little  Irish  feller  sed  :  "Judge,  your 
honor,  my  name  is  McGiness,  Patrick  Mc- 
Giness."  And  the  Judge  sed:  "Mr. 
McGiness,  what  is  your  occupation  ?  "  And 
the  little  Irish  feller  sed:  "Judge,  your 
honor,  I  am  a  sailor."  The  Judge  sed: 
"Mr.  McGiness,  you  don't  look  to  me  as 
though  you  ever  saw  a  ship  in  all  your  life." 
And  the  little  Irish  feller  sed:  "Wall, 
Judge,  your  honor,  if  I  never  saw  a  ship  in 
me  life,  do  you  think  I  cum  over  from  Ire- 
land in  aw^agon  ?  "  The  Judge  sed:  "Case 
dismissed.     Bring  in  the  next  prisoner." 

Wall,  the  next  prisoner  what  they  brought 
in  had  sort  of  an  impediment  in  his  talk,  and 
the  way  he  stuttered  jist  beat  all.  The 
Judge  sed  :  "  Prisoner,  what  is  your  name?  " 
And  the  prisoner  sed:  " Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge, 
yr-yr-yo-yo-your  h-h-h-hon-hon-honor,  m-m- 

m-my-my  n-n-na-na-name  is-is-is ."   The 

Judge  sed:  "Never  mind,  that  will  do. 
Officer,  what  is  this  prisoner  charged  with  ? ' ' 
And  the  officer  sed:  "Judge,  your  honor, 
the  way  he  talks  sounds  to  me  like  he  might 
be  charged  with  sody  water."  Gosh,  I  got 
to  laffin'  so  I  had  to  git  right  out  of  the  cort 
house. 

It  sort  of  made  me  think  of  a  law  soot  we 


68  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby^ s 

had  down  hum  when  Jim  Lawson  wuz  Jes- 
tice  of  the  Peece.  You  see  it  wuz  hke  this  : 
One  spring  Si  Pettingill  wuz  goin'  out  to 
Mizoori  to  be  gone  'bout  a  year,  and  he'd 
sold  off  'bout  all  his  things  'cept  one  cow, 
and  he  didn't  want  to  part  with  the  cow, 
'cause  she  wuz  a  mighty  good  milker,  so  he 
struck  a  bargin  with  Lige  Willet.  Lige  wuz 
to  keep  the  cow,  paster  and  feed  her,  and 
generally  take  keer  on  her  fer  the  milk  she 
giv.  Wall,  finally  Si  cum  hum,  and  he  went 
to  Lige's  place  one  day  and  sed  :  '^Wall, 
Lige.  I've  cum  over  to  git  my  cow."  And 
Lige  sed:  "Cum  after  your  cow?  Wall, 
if  you've  got  any  cow  round  here  I'll  be 
durned  if  I  know  it."  Si  sed:  ''Wall, 
Lige,  I  left  my  cow  with  you."  And  Lige 
sed :  '*  Wall,  that's  a  year  ago,  and  she's  et 
her  head  off  two  or  three  times  since  then." 
So  Si  sed:  "Wall,  Lige,  you've  had  her 
milkferher  keep."  AndLigesed:  "Milk 
be  durned,  she  went  dry  three  weeks  after 
you  left,  and  she  ain't  give  any  milk  since, 
and  near  as  I  can  figger  it  out,  seems  to  me 
as  how  I've  pastered  her  and  fed  her  all  this 
time,  she's  my  cow."  Si  sed  :  "No,  Lige, 
that  wa'nt  the  bargin."  But  Lige  sed: 
"Bargin  or  no  bargin,    I've   got  her,   and 


Piinkm   Centre  Stories  69 

seein'  as  how  posession  is  'bout  nine  points 
in  the  law,  I'm  goin'  to  keep  her." 

So  they  went  to  law  about  it,  and  all 
Punkin  Centre  turned  out  to  heer  the  trial. 
Wall,  after  Jim  Lawson  had  heered  both 
sides  of  the  case,  he  sed :  "The  Cort  is 
compelled,  from  the  evidence  sot  forth  in 
this  case,  to  find  for  the  plaintiff,  the  afore- 
said Silas  Pettingill,  as  agin'  the  defendant, 
the  aforesaid  Elijah  Willet.  We  find  from 
the  evidence  sot  forth  that  the  cow  critter  in 
question  is  a  valuable  critter,  and  wuth  more 
'n  a  year's  paster  and  keep,  and,  tharfore,  it 
is  the  verdict  of  this  cort  that  the  aforesaid 
defendant,  Elijah  Willet,  shall  keep  the  cow 
two  weeks  longer,  and  then  she  is  hisn." 


70 


Uncle  Josh  fV eathersby'' i 


yk 


!^!p«  y/>  ^..» 


J\nj'<J>j\S''^r-fx^',,r<..,\j>.AJ^^ 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


71 


Uncle  Josh  at  Coney  Island 

'D  heerd  tell  a  whole  lot  at  va- 
rious times  'bout  that  place 
what  they  call  Coney  Hand, 
and  while  I  wuz  down  in  New 
York,  I  jist  made  up  my  mind 
I  wuz  a  goin'  to  see  it,  so  one 
day  I  got  on  one  of  them  keers  what 
goes  acrost  the  Brooklyn  bridge,  and  I  started 
out  for  Coney  Hand.  Settin'  right  along 
side  of  me  in  the  keer  wuz  an  old  lady,  and 
she  seemed  sort  of  figity  'bout  somethin'  or 
other,  and  finaly  she  sed  to  me  ''mister,  do 
these  cars  stop  when  we  git  on  the  other  side 
of  the  bridge?"  I  sed,  wall  now  if  they 
don't  you'll  git  the  durndest  bump  you  ever 
got  in  your  life. 

Wall  we  got  on  the  other  side,  and  I  got 
on  one  of  them  tra-la-lu  cars  what  goes  down 
to  Coney  Hand.  I  give  the  car  feller  a  dol- 
lar, and  he  put  it  in  his  pockit  jist  the  same 
as  if  it  belonged  to  him.  Wall,  when  I  wuz 
gittin'  purty  near  thar  I  sed.  Mister,  don't  I 
git  any  change?    He  sed,  "didn'tyou  see  that 


7?.  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby'' s 

sign  on  the  car?"  I  sed,  no  sir.  Wall  he 
sez  "you  better  go  out  and  look  at  it." 

Wall  I  went  out  and  looked  at  it,  and 
that  settled  it.  It  sed  "This  car  goes  to 
Coney  Hand  without  change."  Guess  it  did; 
I'll  be  durned  if  I  got  any. 

Wall  we  got  down  thar,  and  I  must  say 
of  all  the  pandemonium  and  hubbub  I  ever 
heered  in  my  life,  Coney  Hand  beats  it  all. 
Bout  the  fust  thing  I  seen  thar  wuz  a  place 
what  they  called  "Shoot  the  Shoots."  It 
looked  like  a  big  boss  trof¥  stood  on  end, 
one  end  in  a  duck  pond  and  tother  end  up 
in  the  air,  and  they  would  haul  a  boat  up  to 
the  top  and  all  git  in  and  then  cum  scootin' 
down  the  boss  troff  into  the  pond.  Wall  I 
alowed  that  ud  be  right  smart  fun,  so  I  got 
into  one  of  the  boats  along  with  a  lot  of  other 
folks  I  never  seed  afore  and  don't  keer  if  I 
never  see  agin.  They  yanked  us  up  to  the 
top  of  that  troflf  and  then  turned  us  loose, 
and  I  jist  felt  as  though  the  whole  earth  had 
run  off  and  left  us.  We  went  down  that  troff 
lickety  split,  and  a  woman  what  wuz  settin' 
alongside  of  me,  got  skeered  and  grabbed 
me  round  the  neck;  and  I  sed,  you  let  go  of 
me  you  brazen  female  critter.  But  she  jist 
hung  on  and  hollered  to  beat  thunder,  and 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  73 

everybody  wuz  a  yellin'  all  to  onct,  and  that 
durned  boat  wuz  a  goin'  faster'n  greased 
lightnin'  and  I  had  one  hand  on  my  pockit 
book  and  tother  on  my  hat,  and  we  went 
kerslap  dab  into  that  duck  pond,  and  the 
durned  boat  upsot  and  we  went  into  the 
water,  and  that  durned  female  critter  hung 
onto  me  and  hollered  "save  me,  I'm  jist  a 
drownin'."  Wall  the  water  wasn't  very  deep 
and  1  jist  started  to  wade  out  when  along 
cum  another  boat  and  run  over  us,  and 
under  we  went  ker-souse.  Wall  I  managed 
to  get  out  to  the  bank,  and  tliat  female 
woman  sed  I  was  a  base  vllian  to  not  rescue 
a  lady  from  a  watery  grave.  And  I  jist  told 
her  if  she  had  kept  her  mouth  shet  she 
wouldn't  havswallered  so  muci'i  of  the  pond. 
Wall  they  had  one  place  what  they  called 
the  Middle  PFay  P/esinnpSy  and  another  place 
what  they  called  The  Streets  of  Caro,  and  they 
had  a  lot  of  shows  a  goin'  on  along  thar. 
Wall  I  went  into  one  ot  'em  and  sot  down, 
and  I  guess  if  they  hadn't  of  shet  up  the  show 
I'd  a  bin  sottin'  thar  yet.  I  purty  near 
busted  my  buttins  a  laflin'.  They  had  a  lot 
of  gals  a  dancin'  rome  kind  of  a  dance;  I 
don't  know  what  they  called  it,  but  it  sooted 
me  fust  rate.      When  I  got  home,  the  more 


74  Uficle  Josh  fFeathersby^s 

I  thought  about  it  the  more  I  made  up  my 
mind  I'd  learn  that  dance.  Wall  I  went  out 
in  the  corn  field  whar  none  of  the  neigh- 
bors could  see  me,  and  I'll  be  durned  if  I 
didn't  knock  down  about  four  akers  of  corn, 
but  I  never  got  that  dance  right.  I  wuz  the 
talk  of  the  whole  community;  mother  didn't 
speak  to  me  fer  about  a  week,  and  Aunt 
Nancy  Smith  sed  I  wuz  a  burnin'  shame 
and  a  disgrace  to  the  village,  but  I  notice 
Nancy  has  asked  me  a  good  many  questions 
about  jist  how  it  was,  and  I  wouldn't  wonder 
if  we  didn't  find  Nancy  out  in  the  cornfield 
one  of  these  days. 


Pun  kin   Centre  Stories 


Uncle  Josh  at  the  Opera 

ALL,  I  sed  to  mother  when  I  left 
hum,  now  mother,  when  I  git 
down  to  New  York  City  I'm 
goin'  to  see  a  regular  first-class 
theater.  We  never  had  many 
theater  doin's  down  our  way. 
Wall,  thar  wuz  a  theater  troop  cum  to  Pun- 
kin  Centre  along  last  summer,  but  we 
couldn't  let  'em  hav  the  Opery  House  to 
show  in  'cause  it  wuz  summer  time  and  the 
Opery  House  wuz  full  of  hay,  and  we  could- 
n't let  'em  hav  it  'cause  we  hadn't  any  place 
to  put  the  hay.  An  then  about  a  year  and  a 
half  ago  thar  wuz  a  troop  cum  along  that 
wuz  somethin'  about  Uncle  Tom's  home; 
they  left  a  good  many  of  their  things  behind 
'em  when  they  went  away.  Ezra  Hoskins 
he  got  one  of  the  mules,  and  he  tried  to 
hitch  it  up  one  day;  Doctor  says  he  thinks 
Ezra  will  be  around  in  about  six  weeks.  I 
traded  one  of  the  dogs  to  Ruben  Hendricks 
fer  a  shot  gun;  Rube  cum  over  t'other  day, 
borrowed  the  gun  and  shot  the  dog. 


76 


Uncle  Josh   JFeathershy'' s 


Wall,  I  got  into  one  of  your  theaters 
here,  got  sot  down  and  wuz  lookin'  at  it; 
and  it  wuz  a  mighty  fine  lookin'  pictur  with 
a  lot  of  lights  shinin'  on  it,  and  I  wuz  enjoy- 


in'  it  fust  rate,  when  a  lot  of  fellers  cum  out 
with  horns  and  fiddles,  and  they  all  started 
in  to  fiddlin'  and  tootin',  and  all  to  once  they 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  jy 

pulled  the  theatre  up,  and  thar  wuz  a  lot  of 
folks  having  a  regular  family  quarrel.  I 
knowed  that  wasn't  any  of  my  business,  and 
I  sort  of  felt  uneasy  like;  but  none  of  the 
rest  of  the  folks  seemed  to  mind  it  any,  so  I 
calculated  I'd  see  how  it  cum  out,  though  my 
hands  sort  of  itched  to  get  hold  of  one  feller, 
'cause  I  could  see  if  he  would  jest  go  'way 
and  tend  to  his  own  business  thar  wouldn't 
be  any  quarrel.  Wall,  jest  then  a  young  fel- 
ler handed  me  a  piece  of  paper  what  told  all 
about  the  theater  doin's,  and  I  gottolookin' 
at  that  and  I  noticed  on  it  whar  it  sed  thar 
wuz  five  years  took  place  'tween  the  fust 
part  and  the  second  part.  I  knowed  durned 
well  I  wouldn't  have  time  to  wait  and  see 
the  second  part,  so  I  got  up  and  went  out. 
Wall,  them  theater  doin's  jest  put  me  in 
rnind  of  somethin'  what  happened  down 
hum  on  the  last  day  of  school.  You  see  the 
school  teacher  got  all  the  big  boys  and  the 
big  girls,  and  the  boys  they  read  essays  and 
the  girls  recited  poetry.  One  of  the  Skinner 
girls  recited  a  piece  that  sooted  me  fust  rate. 
Neer  as  I  kin  remember  it  went  somethin' 
like  this: 


78  Uncle  Josh   JVeathersby^s 

How  nice  to  hear  the  bumble-bee 

When  you  go  out  a  fishin', 
But  if  you  happen  to  sot  down  on  him, 

He'll  spoil  your  disposition. 

I  liked  that;  thar  wuz  somethin'  so 
touchin'  about  it.  Then  the  school  teacher 
he  got  all  the  girls  in  the  'stronomy  class  and 
he  dressed  them  up  to  represent  the  different 
kinds  of  planits.  He  had  one  girl  to  repre- 
sent the  sun — she  wuz  red-headed;  and  an- 
other one  to  represent  the  moon,  and  another 
one  fer  Mars,  and  another  one  fer  Jerupetir, 
and  it  looked  mighty  fine,  and  everythin' 
wuz  a  gettin'  along  fust  rate  'til  old  Jim 
Lawson  'lowed  he  could  make  an  improve- 
ment on  it;  so  he  went  out  and  got  a  colord 
girl,  and  he  wanted  to  sot  her  between  the 
sun  and  the  moon  and  make  an  eklips.  And 
as  usual  he  busted  up  the  whole  doin's. 


Pun  kin   Centre  Stories 


79 


Uncle  Josh  at  Delmonico's 

USED  to  hear  the  summer 
boarders  tell  a  whole  lot  about 
a  place  here  in  New  York  kept 
by  Mr.  Delmonico.  Thar's 
bin  about  ten  thousand  summer 
boarders  down  to  Punkin  Cen- 
tre one  time  and  another,  and  I  guess  I've 
carried  the  bundles  and  stood  the  grumblin' 
from  about  all  of  them;  and  when  anyone  of 
'em  would  find  fault  with  anythin'  I  used  to 
ast  him  whar  he  boarded  at  in  New  York, 
and  they  all  told  me  at  Mr.  Delmonico's;  so 
I'd  cum  to  the  conclusion  that  Mr.  Delmon- 
ico must  hav  a  right  smart  purty  good  sized 
tavern;  and  I  sed  to  mother — now  mother, 
when  I  git  down  to  New  York  that's  whar 
I'm  goin'  to  board,  at  Mr.  Delmonico's. 

Wall,  I  got  a  feller  to  show  me  whar  it 
wuz,  and  when  I  got  on  the  inside  I  don't 
s'pose  I  wuz  ever  more  sot  back  in  all  my 
life;  guess  you  could  have  knocked  my  eyes 
off  with  a  club;  they  stuck  out  like  bumps 
on  a  log.  Wall  sir,  they  had  flowers  and 
birds  everywhere,  and  trees  a  settin'  in  wash 


8o 


Uncle  Josh   JVeathersby  'j 


tubs,  didn't  look  to  me  as  though  they  would 
stand  much  ot  a  gale;  and  about  a  hundred 
and  fifty  patent  wind  mills  runnin'  all  to 
onct,  and  out  in  the  woods  somewhar  they 
had  a  band  a-playin'.  I  couldn't  see  'em 
but  I  could  hear  'em;  guess  some  of  'em 
wuz  a  havin'  a  dance  to  settle  down  their 
dinner;  I  couldn't  tell  whether  it  wuz  a  so- 
ciety festival    or  a  camp    meetin'  at  feedin' 


Ptinkin   Centre  Stories  8 1 

time.  Wall,  one  feller  cum  up  to  me  and 
commenced  talkin'  some  furrin  language  I 
didn'tunderstand,  somethin'  about bon-sour, 
mon-sour.  I  jist  made  up  my  mind  he  wuz 
one  of  them  bunco  fellers,  and  I  wouldn't 
talk  to  him.  Then  another  feller  cum  up 
right  smart  like  and  wanted  to  know  if  I'd 
hav  my  dinner  table  de  hotel  or  all  over  a 
card,  and  I  told  him  if  it  wuz  all  the  same  to 
him  he  could  bring  me  my  dinner  on  a  plate. 
Wall,  he  handed  me  a  programme  of  the 
dinner  and  I  et  about  half  way  down  it  and 
drank  a  bottle  of  cider  pop  what  he  give  me, 
and  it  got  into  my  head,  and  I  never  felt  so 
durn  good  in  all  my  life.  I  got  to  singin' 
and  I  danced  Old  Dan  Tucker  right  thar  in 
the  dinin'  room,  and  I  took  a  wrastle  out  of 
Mr.  bon-sour  mon-sour;  and  jist  when  I  got 
to  enjoyin'  myself  right  good,  they  called  in 
a  lot  of  constables,  and  it  cost  me  sixteen 
dollars  and  forty-five  cents,  and  then  they 
took  me  out  ridin'  in  a  little  blue  wagon 
with  a  bell  on  it,  and  they  kept  ringin'  the 
bell  every  foot  of  the  way  to  let  folks  know 
I  wuz  one  of  Mr.  Delmonico's  boarders. 


82 


Uncle  Josh   IFeathersby'' s 


"^^^-^C^I 


■y%i^ 


;<  >  >■>    .j(,^%r*,;-'  '^      n     7.-.     'J       i 


~^^/\,\ 


^ 


,11. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


83 


It  is  Fall 

HE  days  are  gettin'  shorter,  and 
the  summer  birds  are  leav- 
ing, 
The  wind  sighs  in  the  tree  tops, 

as  though  all    nature   was 
grieving; 
The  leaves  they  drop  in  showers,  there's  a 

blue  haze  over  all, 
And  a  feller  is  reminded  that  once  again  it's 
Fall. 

It  is  a  glorious  season,  the  crops  most  gath- 
ered in. 

The  wheat  is  in  the  granary  and  the  oats  are 
in  the  bin; 

A  feller  jest  feels  splendid,  right  in  harmony 
with  all. 

The  old  cider  mill  a-humin',  'gosh,  I  know 
it's  Fall. 

1  hear  the  Bob  White  whistlin'  down  by  the 

water  mill. 
While    dressed    in  gorgeous  colors  is    each 

valley,  knoll  and  hill; 


84  Uncle  Josh   JVeathersby^s 

The  cows   they  are  a-lowing,   as  they  slowly 

wander  home, 
And   the   hives  are   just   a-bustin'   with    the 

honey  in  the  comb. 

w 

Soon  be  time  for  huskin'  parties,  or  an  apple 

paring  bee, 
And  the  signs  of  peace  and  plenty  are  just 

splendid  for  to  see; 
The  flowers  they  are  drooping,  soon  there 

won't  be  none  at  all. 
Old  Jack  Frost  has  nipped  them,  and  by  that 
I  know  it's  Fall. 

The  muskrat  has  built  himself  a  house  down 

by  the  old  mill  pond, 
The  squirrels  are  laying  up  their  store  from 

the  chestnut  trees  beyond; 
While  walking  through  the  orchard  I    can 

hear  the  ripe  fruit  fall; 
There's  an  air  of    quiet  comfort  that   only 

comes  with  Fall. 

The  wind  is  cool  and  bracing,  and  it  makes 

you  feel  first-rate, 
And  there's  work  to  keep  you  going  from 

early  until  late; 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  85 

So  you  feel  like    giving  praises  unto    Him 

who  doeth  all, 
Nature  heaps  her  blessings  on  you  at   this 

season,  and  it's  Fall. 

The  nights  are  getting  frosty   and  the   fire 

feels  pretty  good, 
I  like  to  see  the  flames  creep  up  among  the 

burning  wood; 
Away  across  the  hilltops  I  can  hear  the  hoot 

owl  call. 
He  is  looking  for   his  supper,    I  guess   he 

knows  its  Fall. 

And  though  the  year  is  getting  old  and  the 

trees  will  soon  be  bare, 
There's  a  satisfactory  feeling  of  enough  and 

some  to  spare; 
For  there's  still  some  poor  and  needy  who 

for  our  help  do  call. 
So  we'll  share  with  them  our  blessings  and 

be  thankful  that  it's  Fall. 


86 


Uncle  Josh  fVeathersby^s 


WHAR  Willi,  1  PUT  THE  BROOMS? 


Punkin  Centre  Stories 


87 


Si  Pettingiirs  Brooms 

ALL,  one  day  jist  shortly  after 
sap  season  vvuz  over,  we  wuz 
all  sottin'  round  Ezra  Hos- 
kins's  store,  talkin'  on  things 
in  general,  when  up  drove  Si 
Pettingill  with  a  load  of  brooms. 
Wall,  we  all  took  a  long  breath,  and  got 
ready  to  see  some  as  tall  bargainin'  as  wuz 
ever  done  in  Punkin  Centre.  'Cause  Si,  he 
could  see  a  bargain  through  a  six-inch  plank 
on  a  dark  night,  and  Ezra  could  hear  a  dol- 
lar bill  rattle  in  a  bag  of  feathers  a  mile  off, 
and  we  all  felt  mighty  sartin  suthin'  wuz  a 
goin'  to  happen.  Wall,  Si,  he  sort  er  stood 
'round,  didn't  say  much,  and  Ezra  got  most 
uncommonly  busy — he  had  more  business 
than  a  town  marshal  on  circus  day. 

Wall,  after  he  had  sold  Aunt  Nancy 
Smith  three  yards  of  caliker,  and  Ruben 
Hendricks  a  jack-knife,  and  swapped  Jim 
Lawson  a  plug  of  tobacker  fer  a  muskrat 
hide,  he  sed  :  "How's  things  over  your 
way,  Si?"      Si  remarked:      "Things  wuz 


88  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby'' s 

'bout  as  usual,  only  the  water  had  bin  most 
uncommon  high,  White  Fork  had  busted 
loose  and  overflowed  everything,  Sprosby's 
mill  wuz  washed  out,  and  Lige  Willits's  pas- 
ter wuz  all  under  water,  which  made  it 
purty  hard  on  the  cows,  and  Lige  had  to 
strain  the  milk  two  or  three  times  to  git  the 
minnews  out  of  it.  Whitaker's  young  ^uns 
wuz  all  bavin'  measles  to  onct,  and  thar  wuz 
a  revival  goin'  on  at  the  Red  Top  Baptist 
church,  and  most  every  one  had  got  re- 
ligion, and  things  wuz  a  runnin'  'long  'bout 
as  usual." 

Deacon  Witherspoon  sed :  ''Did  you 
git  religion.  Si?"  Si  sed:  "No,  Deacon; 
I  got  baptized,  but  it  didn't  take — calculated 
I  might  as  well  have  it  done  while  thar  wuz 
plenty  of  water." 

"Thought  I'd  cum  over  today,  Ezra; 
I've  got  some  brooms  I'd  like  to  sell  ye." 
Ezra  sed :  "  Bring  'em  in,  Si,  spring  house 
cleanin'  is  comin'  on  and  I'll  most  likely 
need  right  smart  of  brooms,  so  jist  bring  'em 
in."  Si  sed:  "Wall,  Ezra,  don't  see  as 
thar's  any  need  to  crowd  the  mourners,  can't 
we  dicker  on  it  a  little  bit;  I  want  cash  fer 
these  brooms,  Ezra,  I  don't  want  any  store 
trade  fer 'em."     Ezra  sed:     "Wall,  I  don't 


Piinkin   Centre  Stories  89 

know  'bout  that,  Si;  seems  to  me  that's  a 
gray  boss  of  another  color,  I  always  gin  ye 
store  trade  fer  your  eggs,  don't  I  ?  "  Si  sed  : 
^'Y-a-s — ,  and  that's  a  gray  boss  of  another 
color;  ye  never  seen  a  hen  lay  brooms,  did 
ye?  Brooms  is  sort  of  article  of  commerce, 
Ezra,  and  I  want  cash  fer  'em."  Wall, 
Ezra,  be  looked  'round  the  store  and  thot 
fer  a  spell,  and  then  he  sed  :  "  Tell  ye  what 
I'll  do,  Si;  I'll  gin  ye  half  cash  and  the  other 
half  trade,  how'll  that  be?"  Si  sed: 
*' Guess  that'll  be  all  right,  Ezra.  Whar 
will  I  put  the  brooms?  "  Ezra  sed  :  "Put 
them  in  the  back  end  of  the  store,  Si,  and 
stack  'em  up  good  ;  I  hain't  got  much  room, 
and  Tve  got  a  lot  of  things  comin'  in  from 
Boston  and  New  York."  Wall,  after  Si  had 
the  brooms  all  in,  be  sed  :  "Wall,  thar  they 
be,  five  dozen  on 'em."  Ezra  sed:  "Sure 
thar's  five  dozen?  "  Si  sed  :  "Yas;  counted 
'em  on  the  wagon,  counted  'em  ofif  agin, 
and  counted  'em  when  I  made  'em."  So 
Ezra  sed  :  "  Wall,  here's  your  money ;  now 
what  do  you  want  in  trade?"  Si  looked 
'round  fer  a  spell  and  sed  :  "  I  don't  know, 
Ezra;  don't  see  anything  any  of  our  folks 
pertickerly  stand  in  need  on.  If  it's  all  the 
same  to  you,  Ezra,  I'll  take  brooms.'''' 


90  Uncle  Josh  PFeathersby^ s 

Wall,  Jim  Lawson  fell  off'n  a  wash-tub, 
and  Ruben  Hendricks  cut  his  thumb  with 
his  new  jack-knife,  and  Deacon  Wither- 
spoon  sed :  "No,  Si,  that  baptizin'  didn't 
take."     And  Ezra — wall,  it  wan't  his  say. 


Suspicion — Consists   mainly  of  thinking   what    we 
would  do  if  we  wuz  in  the  other  feller's  place. 

• — Punkin  Centre  Philosophy 


Punk  in   Centre  Stories 


91 


Uncle  Josh  Plays  Golf 

'ALL,  about  two  weeks  ago  the 
boys  sed  to  me,  Uncle  we'd 
like  to  hav  you  cum  out  and 
play  a  game  of  golf.  Wall, 
they  took  me  out  behind  the 
woodshed  whar  mother  could- 
n't see  us  and  them  durned  boys  dressed 
your  uncle  up  in  the  dogondest  suit  of 
clothes  I  ever  had  on  in.  my  life.  I  had  on  a 
pair  of  socks  that  had  more  different  colors 
in  'em  than  in  Joseph's  coat.  I  looked  like 
a  cross  atween  a  monkey  and  a  cirkus  rider, 
and  a-goin'  acrost  the  medder  our  turkey 
gobbler  took  after  me.  and  I  had  an  awful 
time  with  that  fool  bird.  I  calculate  as  how 
I'll  git  even  with  him  'bout  Thanksgiving 
time. 

Wall,  the  boys  took  me  into  the  paster, 
and  they  had  it  all  dug  up  into  what  they 
called  a  "T,"  and  they  had  a  wheelbarrer 
full  of  little  Injun  w^ar  clubs.  They  called 
one  a  nibbler,  and  another  a  brassie,  and  a 
lot  of  other  fool  names  I  never  heerd  afore, 


92  Uncle  Josh   Weathenby'' s 

c«nd  can't  remember  now.  Then  they 
brought  out  a  httle  wooden  ball  'bout  as  big 
as  a  hen's  egg,  and  they  stuck.  It  up  on  a 
little  hunk  of  mud.  Then  they  told  me  to 
take  one  of  them  thar  war  clubs  and  stand 
alongside  of  the  ball  and  hit  it.  Wall,  I  jist 
peeled  oflt  my  coat  and  got  a  good  holt  on 
that  war  club  and  I  jist  whaled  away  at  that 
durned  little  ball,  and  by  gum  I  missed  it, 
and  the  boys  all  commenced  to  holler  ''foo- 
zle." 

Wall,  I  got  a  little  bit  riled  and  I  whaled 
away  at  it  again,  and  I  hit  It  right  whar  I 
missed  it  the  fust  time,  and  I  whirled  round 
and  sot  down  so  durned  hard  I  sot  four  back 
teeth  to  akin,  and  I  pawed  round  in  the  air 
and  knocked  a  lot  of  it  out  of  place.  I  hit 
myself  on  the  shin  and  on  the  pet  corn  at  the 
same  time,  and  them  durned  boys  wuz  jist  a- 
rollin'  round  on  the  ground  and  a-hollerin' 
like  Injuns.  Wall,  I  begun  to  git  madder 
'n  a  wet  hen,  and  I  'lowed  I'd  knock  that 
durned  little  ball  way  over  into  the  next 
county.  So  I  rolled  up  my  sleeves  and  spit 
on  my  hands  and  got  a  good  holt  on  that 
war  club  and  I  whaled  away  at  that  little  ball 
agin,  and  by  chowder  I  hit  it.  I  knocked  it 
clar  over  into  Deacon  WItherspoon's  paster, 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  93 

and  hit  his  old  muley  cow,  and  she  got 
skeered  and  run  away,  jumped  the  fence 
and  went  down  the  road,  and  the  durned 
fool  never  stopped  a-runnin'  'til  she  went 
slap  dab  into  Ezra  Hoskins'  grocery  store, 
upsot  four  gallons  of  apple  butter  into  a  keg 
of  soft  soap,  and  sot  one  foot  into  a  tub 
of  mackral,  and  t'other  foot  into  a  box  of 
winder  glass,  and  knocked  over  Jim  Lawson 
who  wuz  sottin'  on  a  cracker  barrel,  and 
broke  his  durned  old  wooden  leg,  and  then 
she  went  right  out  through  the  winder  and 
skeered  Si  Pettingill's  bosses  that  wuz  a 
standin'  thar,  and  they  run  away  and  smashed 
his  wagon  into  kindlin'  wood,  and  Silas  has 
sued  me  fer  damages,  and  mother  won't 
speak  to  me,  and  Jim  he  wants  me  to  buy 
him  a  new  wooden  leg,  and  the  neighbors 
all  say  as  how  I  ought  to  be  f  ut  .way  some 
place  fer  safe  keepin',  and  Aunt  Nancy 
Smith  got  so  excited  she  lost  her  glass  eye 
and  didn't  find  it  for  three  or  four  days,  and 
wh'en  she  did  git  it  the  boys  wuz  a-playin' 
marbles  with  it  and  it  wuz  all  full  of  gaps, 
and  Jim  Lawson  he  trimmed  it  un  on  the 
grindstone  and  it  don't  fit  Nancy  any  more, 
and  she  has  to  sort  of  put  it  in  with  cotton 
round   it  to  hold  it,  and  the  cotton   works 


94  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby^s 

out  at  the  corners  and  skeers  the  children, 
and  every  time  I  see  Nancy  that  durned  eye 
seems  to  look  at  me  sort  of  reproachful  like, 
and  all  I  know  about  playin'  golf  is,  the  fel- 
ler what  knocks  the  ball  so  durned  far  you 
can't  find  it  or  whar  it  does  the  most  dam- 
age,  wins  the  game. 


Punkin  Centre  Stories 


95 


Jim  Lawson's  Hogs 

HEN  it  cum  to  raisin'  hogs,  I 
don't  s'pose  tharwuz  ever  eny- 
body  in  Punkin  Centre  that  had 
quite  so  much  trouble  as  Jim 
Lawson.  One  fall  Jim  had  a 
right  likely  bunch  of  shoats,  but 
somehow  or  other  he  couldn't  git  'em  fat, 
it  jist  seemed  like  the  more  he  fed  'em  the 
poorer  they  got,  and  Jim  he  wuz  jist  about 
worried  clar  down  to  a  shadder.  He  kept 
givin'  them  hogs  medecin'  and  feedin'  of 
'em  everything  he  could  think  on,  but  it 
wan't  no  use ;  every  day  or  so  one  of  'em 
would  lay  down  and  die.  All  the  neighbors 
would  cum  and  lean  over  the  fence,  and 
talk  to  Jim,  and  give  him  advice,  but  some- 
how them  hogs  jist  kept  on  a-dyin',  and  no- 
body could  see  what  wuz  alin'  of  'em,  'til 
one  day  Jim  cum  over  to  Ezra  Hoskins's 
store,  and  he  looked  as  tickled  as  though 
he'd  found  a  dollar,  and  he  sed  :  ''  I  want 
you  all  to  cum  over  to  my  place  ;  I've  found 
out    what's    ahn'    them    hogs."       Deacon 


96  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby'' s 

Witherspoon  sed :  ''Wall,  what  is  it, 
Jim?"  and  Jim  sed:  ''Wall,  you  see  the 
ground  over  in  my  hog  lot  is  purty  soft,  and 
when  it  rains  it  gits  right  smart  muddy,  and 
the  mud  gits  on  them  hogs'  tails,  and  that 
mud  it  gits  more  mud,  and  finally  they  git 
so  much  mud  on  their  tails  that  it  draws 
their  skin  so  tight  that  they  can't  shet  their 
eyes,  and  them  hogs  air  jist  a-dyin'  fer  the 
want  of  sleep." 

Wall,  the  followin'  winter  Jim  had  his 
hogs  all  fat  and  ready  fer  markit,  and  he  jist 
conclooded  he'd  drive  'em  to  Concord. 
Wall,  he  started  out,  and  when  he'd  druv 
'em  two  whole  days  he  met  old  Jabez  Whit- 
aker.  Jabe  sed:  "Whar  you  goin'  with 
your  hogs,  Jim?"  Jim  sed:  "Goin' 
to  Concord,  Jabez."  Jabez  sed  "Wall, 
now,  I  want  to  know.  That's  what  cums 
from  not  readin'  the  papers.  Why,  Jim, 
they've  got  more  hogs  up  Concord  way  than 
they  know  what  to  do  with.  Lige  Willit 
took  his  hogs  up  thar,  and  Eben  Sprosby 
took  his'n,  and  Concord's  jist  chuck  full  of 
hogs,  and  so  consequintly  the  markit's  away 
down  in  Concord.  But  the  paper  sez  it's 
good  in  Manchester,  and  you'd  make  money, 
Jim,    by  goin'  thar."       So  Jim  shifted   his 


Piinkin   Centre  Stories  97 

chaw  of  terbacker  over  to  the  northeast,  and 
sed  :  "Wall,  boys,  I  calculate  we'll  hav  to 
go  to  Manchester,  so  jist  head  the  hogs  off 
and  turn  tliem  round."  Wall,  they  druv 
them  hogs  'bout  three  days  towards  Man- 
chester, and  jist  'bout  when  they  wuz  gittin' 
thar,  along  cum  Caleb  Skinner,  and  he  sed: 
'*  Wall,  thunder  and  fish-hooks,  whar  be  you 
a-goin',  Jim."  And  Jim  sed:  "As  near 
as  he  could  figure  it  out  from  his  present 
bearin's,  he  wuz  most  likely  goin'  to  Man- 
chester." And  Caleb  sed:  "What  fer?" 
Jim  sed:  "Didn't  know  exactly  what  all 
he  wuz  goin'  fer,  but  if  he  ever  got  thar, 
he'd  most  likely  sell  his  hogs."  And  Caleb 
sed  :  "Wall,  your  goin'  to  the  wrong  town. 
Manchester  has  got  a  quarentine  agin'  any 
more  hogs  comin'  in,  'cos  what  hogs  they  is 
thar  has  all  got  colery,  and  you'd  better  go 
to  Concord.  Besides  the  paper  says  markit 
is  purty  well  up  in  Concord."  Wall,  Jim 
sed  a  good  many  things  that  wouldn't  sound 
good  at  a  prayer  meetin',  and  then  he  sed: 
"Wall,  boys,  gess  we'll  start  back  fer  Con- 
cord, so  turn  round."  Wall,  they  went 
along  'bout  two  days,  and  them  poor  hogs 
couldn't  stand  it  no  longer  'cos  they  wuz 
jist  clean  tuckered  out,  so  Jim  had  to  sell 


98  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby'' s 

'em  to  Josiah  Martin  fer  what  he  could  git, 
'cos  it  wuz  jist  right  at  Josiah's  place  whar 
the  hogs  gin  out,  and  thar  wan't  no  way  of 
moovin'  them  from  thar  fer  some  time  to 
cum. 

Wall,  along  'bout  two  weeks  after  that 
we  wuz  all  over  to  Ezra  Hoskins's  store, 
and  some  one  sed :  "Jim,  you  didn't  do 
very  well  with  your  hogs  this  year,  did  you  ?  " 
And  Jim  sed:  "  Oh,  I  don't  know  ;  that's 
jist  owin'  to  how  you  look  at  it.  I  never 
caught  up  to  that  blamed  markit,  but  I  had 
the  society  cf  the  hogs  fer  two  weeks." 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


99 


Uncle  Josh  and  the  Lightning 
Rod  Agent 

ALL  I  s'pose  I  git  buncode  of- 
fener  than  any  feller  what  ever 
lived  in  Punkin  Centre.  A 
short  time  ago  we  wanted  to 
build  a  new  town  hall,  and  cal- 
culated we'd  have  a  brick 
building;  and  some  one  sed,  "Wall  now,  if 
you'll  jist  wait  'til  Josh  Weathersby  makes 
another  trip  or  two  down  to  New  York 
thar'U  be  gold  bricks  enufF  a-layin'  'round 
Punkin  Centre  to  build  a  new  town  hall." 

Wall,  one  day  last  summer  I  wuz  a  sottin' 
out  on  my  back  porch,  when  along  cum  one 
of  them  thar  lightning  rod  agents.  Wall, 
he  jist  cum  right  up  and  commenced  a-talk- 
in'  at  me  jist  as  if  he'd  bin  the  town  marshal 
or  a  tax  assessor,  or  like  he'd  known  me  all 
his  life.  He  sed,  "My  dear  sir,  I  am  aston- 
ished at  you.  I've  looked  over  your  entire 
premises  and  I  find  you  haven't  got  a  light- 
ning rod  on  any  buildin'  that  you  possess. 
Why,  my  dear  sir,  don't  you  know  you  are 


lOO  Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby'^s 

flyin'  right  in  the  face  of  Providence?  Don't 
you  know  that  lightning  may  strike  at  any 
time  and  demoHsh  everything  within  the 
sound  of  my  voice?  Don't  you  know  you 
are  criminally  negligent?  Why,  my  dear 
sir,  I  am  astonished  to  think  that  a  man  of 
your   jedgment  and    good    common    sense 

should  allow  yourself  to "     Wall,  about 

that  time  I'd  got  my  breath  and  wits  at  the 
same  time,  and  I  sed,  ''Now  hold  on,  gosh 
durn  ye,  what  hav  ye  got  to  sell  anyhow?" 
Wall,  he  told  me  he  had  some  lightnin'  rods, 
and  he  brought  out  a  little  masheenand  told 
me  to  take  hold  of  the  handles  and  he'd 
show  me  what  a  powerful  thing  'lectricity 
wuz.  Wall,  I  took  hold  of  them  handles  and 
he  turned  on  a  crank,  and  that  durned  ma- 
sheen  jist  made  me  dance  all  overthe  porch, 
and  it  wouldn't  let  go.  Gee  whiz,  I  felt  as 
though  I'd  fell  in  a  yaller  jacket's  nest,  and 
about  four  thousand  of  'em  wuz  a  stingin' 
me  all  to  onct.  Wall,  I  told  him  I  guessed 
he  could  put  up  a  lightning  rod  or  two,  see- 
in'  as  how  I  didn't  hav  any.  Wall,  he  went 
to  work  and  I  went  over  to  Ezra  Hoskins', 
and  when  I  got  back  home  my  place  wuz  a 
sight  to  behold;  it  looked  like  a  harrer 
turned    upside    down.       Thar    wuz    seven 


Punkin  Centre  Stories 


lOI 


^■\^ 


lightning  rods  on  the  barn,  one  on  the  hen 
house,  one  on  the  corn  crib,  one  on  the 
smoke  house,  two  on  the  granery,  three  on 
the  kitchen,  six  on  my  house,  and  one  on  the 
crab  apple  tree,  and  when  I  got  thar  that 
durned  fool  had  the  old  muley  cow  cornered 
up  a-tryin'  to  put  a  lightnin'  rod  on  her. 
Wall,  I  paid  him  fer  what  he  had  done,  and 


I02  Uncle  Josh   fFeat/iersby^s 

thanked  the  Lord  he  hadn't  done  any  more. 
Wall,  he  got  me  to  sine  a  paper  what  sed  he 
had  done  a  good  job,  and  he  sed  he  had  to 
show  that  to  the  company. 

Wall,  about  a  week  after  that  we  had  a 
thunder  storm,  and  I  think  the  lightnin' 
struck  everything  on  the  place  except  the 
spring  wagon  and  old  muley  cow,  and  they 
didn't  have  any  lightnin'  rod  on  'em.  Wall, 
I  thought  I  wuz  a-gittin'  oflf  mighty  lucky 
'til  next  day,  when  along  cum  a  feller  with 
that  paper  what  I  had  sined,  and  durned  if 
it  wan't  a  note  fer  six  hundred  dollars,  and 
by  gosh  if  I  didn't  hav  to  pay  iti 

Buncode  agin,  by  chowderl 


Energy — There  is  a  lot  of  energy  in  this  life  that  is 
wasted.  I  notis  that  the  man  who  has  a  good  strong 
pipe  most  usually  rides  in  front. 

— Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


Pufikin  Centre  Stories 


103 


A  Meeting  of  the  Annanias 

Club 

ALL,  sometimes  a  lot  of  us  old 
codgers  used  to  git  down  to 
Ezra  Hoskins'  grossery  store 
and  we'd  sot  'round  and  chaw 
terbacker  and  whittle  sticks 
and  eat  crackers  and  cheese 
and  proons  and  anything  Ezra  happened  to 
have  layin'  'round  loos,  and  then  we'd  git 
to  spinnin'  yarns  that  would  jist  about  put 
Annanias  and  Safiry  right  out  of  business  if 
they  wuz  here  now.  Wall,  one  afternoon 
we  wuz  all  settin'  'round  spinnin'  yarns 
when  Deacon  Witherspoon  sed  that  eckos 
wuz  mighty  peculiar  things,  cos  down  whar 
he  wuz  born  and  raised  thar  wuz  a  passellof 
hills  cum  together  and  you  couldn't  git  out 
thar  and  talk  louder  'n  a  whisper  on  account 
of  the  ecko.  But  one  day  a  summer  boarder 
what  wuz  thar  remarked  as  how  he  wasn't 
afraid  to  talk  right  out  in  meetin'  in  front  of 
any  old  lot  of  hills  what  wuz  ever  created; 
so  he  went  out  and  hollered  jist  as  loud  as  he 


104  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby''s 

could  holler,  and  he  started  a  ecko  a-goin', 
and  it  flew  up  agin  one  hill  and  bounced  off 
onto  another  one  and  gittin'  bigger  and 
louder  all  the  time  'til  it  got  back  whar  it 
started  from  and  hit  a  stone  quarry  and 
knocked  off  a  piece  of  stone  and  hit  that  fel- 
ler in  the  head,  and  he  didn't  cum  too  fer 
over  three  hours.  Wall,  we  thought  that 
wuz  purty  good  fer  a  Deacon.  Wall,  none 
of  us  sed  anything  fer  a  right  smart  spell, 
and  then  Si  Pettingill  remarked  "he  didn't 
know  anything  about  eckos,  but  he  calcu- 
lated he'd  seen  some  mighty  peculiar  things; 
sed  he  guessed  he'd  seen  it  rain  'bout  as 
hard  as  anybody  ever  seen  it  rain." 
Someone  sed,  "Wall,  Si,  how  hard  did 
you  ever  see  it  rain?"  and  he  sed,  "Wall, 
one  day  last  summer  down  our  way  it 
got  to  rainin'  and  it  rained  so  hard  that 
the  drops  jist  rubbed  together  comin' 
down,  which  made  them  so  allfired  hot  that 
they  turned  into  steam;  why,  it  rained 
so  gosh  dinged  hard,  thar  wuz  a  cider 
bar'l  layin'  out  in  the  yard  that  had  both 
heads  out'n  it  and  the  bung  hole  up;  wall,  it 
rained  so  hard  into  that  bung  hole  that  the 
water  couldn't  run  out  of  both  ends  of  the 
bar'l    fast  enough,   and    it  swelled   up  and 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  105 

busted."  Wall,  we  all  took  a  fresh  chaw  oi 
terbacker  and  nudged  each  other;  and  Ezra 
Hoskins  sed  he  didn't  remember  as  how 
he'd  ever  seen  it  rain  quite  so  hard  as  that, 
but  he'd  seen  some  mighty  dry  weather;  he 
sed  one  time  when  he  wuz  out  in  Kansas  it 
got  so  tarnation  dry  that  fish  a-swimmin'  up 
the  river  left  a  cloud  of  dust  behind  them. 
And  hot,  too;  why,  it  got  so  allfired  hot  that 
one  day  he  tied  his  mule  to  a  pen  of  popcorn 
out  behind  the  barn,  and  it  got  so  hot  that 
the  corn  got  to  poppin'  and  flyin'  'round 
that  old  mule's  ears  and  he  thought  it  wuz 
snow  and  laid  down  and  froze  to  death. 
Wall,  about  that  time  old  Jim  Lawson  com- 
menced to  show  signs  of  uneasiness,  and 
someone  sed,  "What  is  it,  Jim?"  and  Jim  re- 
marked, as  he  shifted  his  terbacker  and  cut 
a  sliver  off  from  his  wooden  leg,  "I  wuz 
a-thinkin'  about  a  cold  spell  we  had  one 
winter  when  we  wuz  a-livin'  down  Nan- 
tucket way.  It  wuz  hog  killin'  time,  if  I  re- 
member right;  anyhow,  we  had  a  kittle  of 
bilin'  water  sottin'  on  the  fire,  and  we  sot  it 
out  doors  to  cool  off  a  little,  and  that  water 
froze  so  durned  quick  that  the  ice  wuz  hot." 
Ezra  sed,  "Guess  its  'bout  shettin'  up 
time." 


io6 


Uncle  Josh   Weathersby\ 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  107 


Jim  Lawson's  Hoss  Trade 

PEAKIN'  of  hoss  tradin',  now 
^^'^^^.^  Jim  Lawson  was  calculated  to 
^^^%ft  be  about  the  best  hoss  trader  in 
Punkin  Centre.  Yes,  Jim  he 
could  sot  up  on  a  fence,  chaw 
terbacker,  whittle  a  stick,  and 
jist  about  swap  ye  outen  your  eye-teeth,  if 
you'd  listen  to  him. 

Yas,  Jim  wuz  some  punkins  on  a  swap; 
Jim  'd  swap  anything  he  had  fer  anything 
he  didn't  want,  jist  to  be  swappin'. 

Wall,  a  gypsy  cum  along  one  day  and 
tackled  Jim  fer  a  swap;  and  about  that  time 
Jim  he'd  got  hold  of  a  critter  that  had  more 
cussedness  in  him  to  the  squar  inch  than  any 
critter  we'd  ever  sot  eyes  on,  'cept  a  cirkus 
mule  that  Ezra  Hoskins  owned. 

Wall,  the  gypsy  traded  Jim  a  mighty  fine 
lookin'  critter,  and  we  all  calculated  that 
Jim  had  right  smart  of  a  bargain,  'til  one  day 
Jim  went  to  ride  him,  'n  he  found  out  if  he 
tetched  the  peskey  critter  on  the  sides  he'd 
squat  right  down.  Wall,  Jim  knowed  if  he 
didn't  git  rid  of  that  hoss,  his  reputation  as  a 


lo8  Uncle  Josh  IVeathersby^ s 

boss  trader  wuz  forever  gone;  so  he  went 
over  in  t'other  township  to  see  old  Deacon 
Witherspoon.  You  see  the  Deacon  he  wuz 
mighty  fond  of  goin'  a-huntin',  and  as  he 
had  rheumatiz  purty  bad  it  wuz  sort  of  hard 
fer  him  to  git  'round,  so  he  bad  to  do  his 
buntin'  on  boss  back.  Wall,  Jim  didn't  say 
much  to  fust,  just  kinder  hinted  around  that 
buntin'  was  a-goin'  to  be  mighty  good  this 
fall,  cos  he'd  seen  one  or  two  flocks  of  par- 
tridges over  back  of  Sprosby's  medder,  and 
some  right  smart  of  quail  over  by  Buttermilk 
ford,  and  finally  he  sed:  "Deacon,  I've  got 
a  boss  you  ought  to  bev;  he's  a  setter." 
Wall,  you  could  hav  knocked  the  Deacon's 
eyes  off  with  a  club,  they  stuck  out  like 
bumps  on  a  log,  and  he  sed,  "Why,  Jim,  I 
never  heered  tell  of  sech  a  thing  in  all  my 
life;  the  idea  of  a  horse  being  a  setter!" 
Jim  sed,  "Yes,  Deacon,  he's  bin  trained  to 
set  for  all  kinds  of  game.  I  calculated  as 
how  I'd  git  a  shotgun  this  fall  and  do  right 
smart  of  bunting."  So  the  Deacon  sed, 
"Wall,  now,  I  want  to  know;  bring  him 
over,  Jim,  I'd  like  to  see  him." 

Wall,  Jim  took  the  boss  over,  and  all 
Punkin  Centre  jest  sort  of  held  its  breath  to 
see  bow  it  would  cum  out. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  109 

Jim  and  the  Deacon  went  a-hunting,  and 
as  they  wuz  a-ridin'  along  through  the  tim- 
ber down  by  Ruben  Hendrick's  paster,  Jim 
keepin'  his  eyes  peeled  and  not  sayin'  much, 
when  all  to  onct  he  seen  a  rabbit  settin'  in  a 
brush  heap,  and  he  jist  tetched  the  old  boss 
on  the  sides  and  he  squatted  right  down. 
The  Deacon  sed,  ''Why,  what's  the  matter 
of  your  boss,  Jim,  look  what  he  be  a- 
doin'."  Jim  sed,  "'Sh,  Deacon,  don't  you 
see  that  rabbit  over  thar  in  the  brush  heap? 
the  old  boss  is  a-settin'  of  him."  Deacon 
sed,  ''Wall,  now  that's  the  most  remarkable 
thing  I  ever  seen  in  my  life;  how'd  you  like 
to  trade,  Jim?"  Jim  sed,  ''Wall,  Deacon, 
I  hadn't  calculated  on  disposin'  of  the  boss, 
but  I  ain't  much  of  a  hand  at  huntin',  and 
seein'  as  how  it's  you,  if  you  want  him  I'll 
trade  you,  Deacon,  fifty  dollars  to  boot." 

Wall,  the  Deacon  had  a  mighty  fine  ani- 
mal, but  he  sed,  "I'll  trade  you,  Jim." 
They  traded  bosses,  and  when  they  wuz  a- 
comin'  home  they  had  to  ford  the  crick  what 
runs  back  of  Punkin  Centre,  and  when  the 
old  boss  wuz  a-wadin'  through  the  water, 
Deacon  went  to  pull  bis  feet  up  to  keep 
them  from  gettin'  wet,  and  he  tetched  the 
old  boss  on  the  sides  and  he  squatted  right 


iio  Uncle  Josh   Weathersby'' s 

down  in  the  crick.  Deacon  sed,  "Now  look 
a-here,  Jim,  what's  the  matter  with  this  un- 
godly brute,  he  ain't  a-settin'  now  be  he?" 
Jim  sed,  "Yes  he  is,  Deacon,  he  sees  fish  in 
the  water;  tell  you  he's  trained  to  set  fer 
suckers  same  as  fer  rabbits,  Deacon;  oh,  he's 
had  a  thorough  eddication." 


Paradox — I  can't  exactly  describe  it,  but  it  looks  to 
me  like  a  tramp  who  once  told  me  how  to  be  successful 
in  life.  — Punkin  Centre  Philosophy, 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


III 


A    Meeting    of    the  School 
Directors 

E  had  bin  havin'  a  good  deal  of 
argufyin'  about  the  school 
house.  You  see  it  had  got  to  be 
a  sort  of  a  tumble-down  ram- 
shackle sort  of  an  affair,  and 
when  it  wuz  bad  weather  we 
couldn't  have  school  in  it,  'cause  you  might 
jist  as  well  be  a  sittin'  under  a  siv  when  it 
rained  as  to  be  a  settin'  in  that  school  house. 
Wall,  it  wuz  a-cummin'  along  the  fall  term, 
and  we  wanted  our  boys  and  girls  to  git  all 
the  schoolin'  an'  eddication  what  they  could; 
so  we  called  a  meetin'  of  the  school  directors 
to  devise  ways  and  means  ^of  buildin'  a  new 
school-house  without  stoppm'  school.  Wall, 
we  all  met  down  at  the  school-house;  thar 
wuz  Deacon  Witherspoon,  Ezra  Hoskins, 
Ruben  Hendricks,  Si  Pettingill,  old  Jim 
Lawson  and  me.  Before  we  commenced 
debatin'  and  argufyin'  on  the  matter.  Si  Pet- 
tingill alowed  he'd  sing  a  song.  Wall^  he 
got  up  and  sang  the  durndest  old-fashioned 


112 


Uncle  Josh   fVeathershy^s 


Punk'm   Centre  Stories  113 

song   I   calculate   I   ever  heered  in  my  life; 
went  somethin'  like  this: 

Oh  a  frog  went  a  courtin'  and  he  did  ride, 

oohoo— oohoo. 

Oh  a  frog  went  a  courtin'  and  he  did  ride, 

With  a  sword  and  a  pistol  by  his  side, 

oohoo— oohoo. 

He  rode  till  he  came  to  the  mouse's  door, 

oohoo—oohoo, 

He  rode  till  he  came  to  the  mouse's  door. 

And  there  he  knelt  upon  the  floor, 

oohoo—oohoo. 

He  took  Miss  Mousey  on  his  knee, 

oohoo—oohoo. 
He  took  Miss  Mousey  on  his  knee. 
Said  he,  Missy  Mouse  will  you  marry  me? 

oohoo—oohoo. 

Wall,  we  headed  Si  off  right  thar;  I  guess 
if  we  hadn't  he'd  bin  singin'  about  that  frog 
and  the  mouse  yet.  Wall,  jist  then  old  Jim 
Lawson  he  sed,  *'I  make  a  moshen;"  and 
Deacon  Witherspoon,  he  wuz  chairman, 
and  he  sed,  "Now  look  here,  young  feller, 
don't  you  make  any  moshens  at  me  or  durned 
if  I  don't  git  down  thar  and  flop  you  in  about 
a  minnit.  You  take  your  feet  off'n  that 
desk  and  that  corncob  pipe  out'n  your 
mouth,  and  conduct  yourself  with  dignity 
and  decorum,  and  address  the  chairman  of 


114  Uncle  Josh   JVeathersby'' s 

this  yere  meetin'  in  a  manner  befittin'  to  his 
station."  Wall,  Jim  he  got  right  smart  riled 
over  the  matter,  and  he  sed,  "Wall,  you 
gosh  durned  old  gospel  pirate,  I  want  you  to 
understand  that  I'm  a  member  of  this  body, 
a  citizen,  a  taxpayer  and  a  honorably  dis- 
charged servant  of  the  government,  and  I 
make  a  moshen  that  w^e  build  a  new  school- 
house  out  of  the  bricks  of  the  old  school- 
house,  and  I  do  further  of^er  an  amendment 
to  the  original  moshen,  that  we  don't  tear 
down  the  old  schoolhouse  until  the  new  one 
is  built." 

Wall,  Deacon  Witherspoon  sed,  "The 
gentleman  is  out  of  order;"  and  Jim  sed,  "1 
ain't  so  durned  much  out  of  order  but  that  I 
kin  trim  you  in  about  two  shakes  of  a  dead 
sheep's  tail."  Wall,  before  we  knowed  it, 
them  two  old  cusses  wuz  at  it.  The  Deacon 
he  grabbed  Jim  and  Jim  he  grabbed  the 
Deacon,  and  when  we  got  'em  separated  the 
Deacon  he  wuz  stuck  fast  'tween  a  desk  and 
the  woodbox,  and  Jim  had  his  wooden  leg 
through  a  knot  hole  in  the  floor  and  couldn't 
get  it  out,  and  they've  both  gone  to  law 
about  it.  Jim  says  he's  goin'  to  git  cut  a 
writ  of  corpus  cristy  fer  the  Deacon,  and 
the  Deacon  says  he's  goin'  to  prosecute  Jim 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  115 

for  bigamy  and  arson  and  have  him  read  out 
of  the  church. 

Wall,    we've  got  the    same    old   school- 
house. 


Justice — Those  who  hanker  fer  it  would  be  gener- 
ally better  off  if  they  didn't  git  it. 

— Punkin  Centre  Ph-losophy. 


ii6 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby'' s 


Punkin  Centre  Stories  117 


The   Weekly   Paper    at 
Punkin   Centre 

IM'ALL,  t'other  day,  down  in  New 
^  York,  I  wuz  a-walkin'  along  on 
that  street  what  they  call  the 
broad  way,  when  I  cum  to  the 
Herald  squar  noospaper  build- 
in',  and  it  wuz  all  winders  and 
masheenery.  Wall,  I  wuz  jist  flobgasted;  I 
jist  stood  thar  lookin'  at  it.  On  the  front  thar 
wuz  a  bell  and  a  couple  of  fellers  standin' 
along  side  of  it  with  siege  hammers  in  their 
hands,  and  every  onct  in  a  while  they  would 
go  to  poundin'  on  that  bell,  and  folks  'd 
stand  'round  and  watch  'em  do  it;  they  re- 
minded me  of  a  couple  of  fellers  splittin' 
rales.  And  all  'round  the  edge  of  the  build- 
in'  they  had  hoot  owls  sottin',  with  electric 
lites  in  their  ize,  and  thar  wuz  no  end  to  the 
masheenery  in  that  buildin'.  If  anyone  bed 
ever  told  me  thar  wuz  that  much  masheen- 
ery in  the  whole  world  durned  if  I'd  a-be- 
leeved  them;  biggest  masheen  I'd  ever  seen 


Ii8  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby'' s 

before  wuz  Si  Pettingill's  new  thrashin'  ma- 
sheen.  Wall,  I  jist  stood  thar  a-watchin' 
them  printin'  presses  a-runnin';  paper  goin' 
in  to  one  end  and  cumin'  out  at  t'other  all 
printed  and  full  of  picters  and  folded  up 
ready  to  sell;  it  jist  beat  all  the  way  they  done 
it.  Wall,  we  never  had  but  one  paper  down 
home  at  Punkin  Centre;  we  called  it  ''The 
Punkin  Centre  Weakly  Bugle;"  old  Jim 
Lawson  he  wuz  editor  of  it.  You  see  Jim 
he  wuz  sort  of  a  triflin'  no  'count  old  cuss, 
so  to  keep  him  out  of  mischief  we  made  him 
editor.  Wall,  Jim  he  had  his  place  up  over 
Ezra  Hoskins'  grossery  store.  He  never  got 
any  money  for  the  noospaper — always  got 
paid  in  produce,  and  Ezra's  store  wuz  a 
mighty  good  place  fer  him  to  take  in  his 
subskriptions.  Wall,  things  went  along 
pretty  smooth  fer  quite  a  spell  'til  one  day  a 
feller  he  cum  in  and  give  Jim  a  keg  of  hard 
cider  fer  a  year's  subskription  to  the  noos- 
paper, and  we  all  calculated  right  then  that 
somethin'  wuz  a-goin'  to  happen;  and  sure 
enough  it  did.  You  see  'bout  that  time  Jim 
had  got  two  advertisements;  one  wuz  fer 
Ruben  Jackson's  resterant  and  the  other  wuz 
the  time  table  of  the  Punkin  Centre  and  Paw 
Paw  Valley  Railroad.      Wall,  Jim  he  got  to 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  119 

drlnkln'  the  hard  cider  and  settin'  type  at 
the  same  time,  and  when  the  paper  cum  out 
on  Thursday  it  wuz  wuth  goin'  miles  to  see. 
Neer  as  I  kin  remember  it  sed  that:  "Ruben 
Jackson's  resterant  would  leave  the  depo 
every  mornin'  at  eight  o'clock  fer  beefstake 
and  mutton  stews,  and  would  change  cars  at 
White  River  Junkshen  for  mins  and  punkin 
pise,  and  cottage  puddin'  would  be  a  flag 
stashen  fer  coffy  and  do  nuts  like  mother 
used  to  make,  and  the  train  wouldn't  run  on 
Sundays  cos  the  stashun  agint  what  done  the 
cookin'  would  have  to  run  an  extra  on  that 
day  over  the  chicken  and  ham  sandwitch  di- 
vishion." 

I  believe  that  wuz   the  last   issu    of   the 
Punkin  Centre  Weakly  Bugle. 


Enthusiasm — Sometimes  inspired,  sometimes  ac- 
quired, sometimes  the  result  of  immediate  surroundings, 
and  sometimes  the  result  of  hard  cider. 

— Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


I20 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby^ 


^.. 


\ 


.^jj''^ 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


121 


Uncle  Josh  at  a  Camp  Meeting 

ALL,  we've  jist  bin  havin'  a 
camp  meeting  at  Punkin  Cen- 
tre. Yes,  fer  several  days  we 
wuz  purty  busy  bakin'  and 
cookin'  and  makin'  prepara- 
tions fer  the  camp  meetin',and 
some  of  the  committee  alowed  we  ought  to 
have  lemonade  fer  the  Sunday  school 
children.  Wall,  as  we  wanted  to  git  it  jist 
as  cheap  as  possible,  we  damed  up  the  crick 
what  runs  back  of  the  camp  meeting 
grounds,  and  put  in  ten  pounds  of  brown 
sugar  and  half  a  dozen  lemons,  and  let  the 
Sunday  school  children  drink  right  out  of 
the  crick,  free  of  charge.  Wall,  we  had 
right  smart  difficulty  in  gittin'  a  pulpit  fixed 
up  fer  the  ministers,  but  finally  we  sawed 
down  a  hemlock  tree  and  used  the  stump 
fer  a  pulpit.*  Wall,  some  of  the  sarmons 
preached  at  that  camp  meetin'  beat  anything 
I  ever  heered  in  my  life  afore.  You  see  we 
'd  bin  havin'  a  good  many  argyments  'bout 
corporations,  monopolies  and  trusts,  and  one 


122  Uncle  Josh    JVeathersby'' s 

minister  got  up  and  sed,  *'Ah,  my  dear  be- 
loved brethren  and  sisters,  we  should  not  be 
too  severe  on  the  monopolists.  If  we  read 
the  scripters  closely  we  observe  our  fore- 
fathers wuz  all  monopolists.  Adam  and  Eve 
had  a  monopoly  upon  the  garden  of  Eden, 
and  would  have  had  it  'til  this  day,  no  doubt, 
had  not  Mother  Eve  got  squeezed  in  the 
apple  market.  Yea,  verily,  Lot's  wife  had 
a  corner  on  the  salt  market.  And  while 
Pharoe's  daughter  was  not  in  the  milk  busi- 
ness, yet  we  observe  she  took  a  great  proffit 
out  of  the  water;  yea,  verrily."  Most  on  us 
cum  to  the  conclusion  he  wuz  ridin'  on  a 
free  pass. 

Samantha  Hoskins  concluded  she  would 
have  to  sing  her  favorithymn;  it  went  some- 
thing like  this: 

"Oh  you  need  not  cum  in  the  mornin', 
And  neither  in  the  heat  of  the  day; 
But  cum  along  in  the  evenin',  Lord, 
And  wash  my  sins  away. 

Chorus — 

Standin'  on  the  walls  of  Zion, 

Lookin'  at  my  ship  cum  a  sailin'  over; 
Standin'  on  the  walls  of  Zion, 
To  see  my  ship  cum  in." 

Jlst  about  that  time    Ruben   Hendricks 


Punkiti   Centre  Stories  '     123 

skeered  a  skunk  out  of  a  holler  log.  Si 
Pettingill  stirred  up  a  hornet's  nest,  Deacon 
Witherspoon  sot  down  in  a  huckleberry  pie 
and  Aunt  Nancy  Smith  got  a  spider  on  her, 
and  she  started  intoyellin'  and  jumpin'  like 
she  had  a  fit,  and  two  dogs  got  to  fitin',  and 
old  Jim  Lawson  he  tried  to  git  'em  apart  and 
he  stumped  'round  and  got  his  old  wooden 
leg  into  a  post  hole  and  fell  down,  and  the 
dogs  got  on  top  of  him,  and  you  couldn't  tell 
which  wuz  Jim  nor  which  wuz  dog;  and 
durned  if  it  didn't  bust  up  the  camp  meetin'. 


124"  Uncle  Josh   IV  eat  her  shy'' s 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


12.5 


The  Unveiling  of  the  Organ 

T  wuz  down  in  Punkin  Centre, 
I  believe  in  eighty-nine, 
We  had  some    doin's    at    the 
meetin'  house, 
That  we  thought  wuz  purty 
fine; 
It  wuz  a  great  occasion, 

The  choir,  led  by  Sister  Morgan, 
Had  called  us  thar  to  witness 
The  unveilin'  of  the  organ. 

In  order  fer  to  git  it 

We'd  bin  savin'  here  and  there, 
Lookin'  .forward  to  the  time 

When  we'd  have  music  fer  to  spare; 
And  as  the  time  it  had  arrived, 

And  the  organ  had  cum,  too, 
We  had  all  of  us  assembled  thar 

To  hear  what  the  thing  could  do. 

Wall,  it  wuz  a  gorgeous  instrument, 
In  a  handsome  walnut  case. 

And  thar  wuz  expectation 
Pictured  out  on  every  face; 


26  Uncle  Josh   IVcathersby^s 

Then  when  Deacon  Witherspoon 

Had  led  us  all  in  prayer, 
The  congregation  all  stood  up 
And  Old  Hundred  rent  the  air. 

Jist  then  the  doin's  took  a  turn, 

Though  I'm  ashamed  to  say  it, 
We  found  that  old  Jim  Lawson 

Wuz  the  only  one  could  play  it; 
But  Jim,  the  poor  old  feller, 

Had  one  besettin'  sin, 
A  fondness  fer  hard  cider 

Which  he'd  bin  indulgin'  in. 

But  he  sot  down  at  that  organ, 

Planked  his  feet  upon  the  pedals. 
And  he  showed  us  he  could  play  it 

Though  he  hadn't  any  medals; 
He  dwelt  upon  the  treble 

And  he  flirted  with  the  base. 
He  almost  made  that  organ 

Jump  right  out  of  its  case. 

Wall,  the  cider  got  in  old  Jim's  head 

And  in  his  fingers,  too, 
So  he  played  some  dancin'  music 

And  old  Yankee  Doodle  Doo; 
He  shocked  old  Deacon  Witherspoon 

And  scared  poor  Sister  Morgan, 
And  jist  busted  up  the  meetin' 

At  the  unveilin'  of  the  organ. 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


127 


Uncle  Josh  Plays  a  Game  of 

Base  Ball 

HAD  heered  a  whole  lot  'bout 
them  games  of  foot  ball  they 
have  in  New  York,  so  while  I 
was  thar  I  jist  cum  to  the  con- 
clusion I'd  see  a  game  of  it,  so 
I  went  out  to  one  of  their  city 
pasters  to  see  a  game  of  foot  ball.  Wall  now 
I  must  say  I  didn't  see  much  ball  playin'  of 
any  kind.  All  I  got  to  see  wuz  about  fifty 
or  sixty  ambulances,  and  I  think  about  that 
many  surgons  and  phisicians.  Wall,  from 
what  I  could  see  of  the  game  I  calculate 
they  needed  all  of  them.  I  saw  one  feller 
and  'bout  fifty  others  had  him  down,  and  it 
jist  looked  as  though  they  wuz  all  trying  to 
get  a  kick  at  him.  They  had  a  half  back 
and  a  quarter  back;  I  suppose  when  they  got 
through  with  that  feller  he  wuz  a  hump 
back.  Anyhow,  if  that's  what  they  call  foot 
ball  playin',  your  Uncle  Josh  don't  want  any 
foot  ball  in  his'n. 

I  never  played  but  one  game  of  ball  in 


128 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby''s 


V^^JJ 


my  life  that  I  kin  remember  on,  and  don't 
believe  that  I  everwill  forgit  that.  You  see  it 
wuz  along  in  the  spring  time  of  the  yeer,  and 
the  weather  wuz  purty  warm  and  sunshiny, 
and  the  boys  sed  to  me,  ''Uncle,  we'd  like 
to  have  you  help  us  play  a  game*  of  base 
ball."  I  sed,  ''Boys,  I'm  gittin'  a  little  too 
old  fer  those  kinds  of  passtimes,  but  I'll  help 
you  play  one  game,  I'll  be  durned  if  I 
don't."     Wall,  we  got  out  in  the  paster  and 


Piinkin  Centre  Stories  129 

wuz  gittin'  ready  to  play;  we  got  the  bases 
and  bats  put  around  in  thar  places,  and  a 
buckit  of  drinkin'  water  up  in  the  fence  cor- 
ner, whar  we  could  get  a  drink  when  we 
wanted  it.  We  didn't  have  any  bleechers, 
but  we  had  thirty  or  forty  hogs,  and  they 
wuz  the  best  rooters  you  ever  seen;  list  then 
I  happened  to  look  around  and  thar  wuz  the 
biggest  billy  goat  I  ever  saw  in  all  my  life. 
You  ought  to  seen  the  boys  a-gittin'  out  of 
the  paster;  I  would  hav  got  out  too,  but  I 
got  stuck  in  the  fence.  Wall,  you  ought  to 
hav  seen  that  billy  goat  a-gittin'  me  through 
the  fence.  He  didn't  git  me  all  the  way 
through,  cos  I  wuz  half  way  through  when 
he  got  thar;  but  he  got  the  last  half  through. 
I  didn't  make  any  home  run,  but  I  wuz  the 
only  feller  what  had  a  score  of  the  game;  I 
couldn't  see  the  score,  but  I  had  it.  Every 
time  I'd  go  to  sot  down  I  knowed  jist  exactly 
how  the  game  stood. 

They  hav  a  good  many  new  fangled 
games  now,  but  when  they  git  anything  that 
can  beet  a  game  of  base  ball  with  a  billy  goat 
fer  a  battery,  durned  if  I  don't  want  to  see  it. 


I30 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby's 


Pun  kin   Centre  Stories  13 1 


The  Punkin  Centre  and   Paw- 
Paw  Valley  Railroad 

'ONDERS  will  never  cease — 
we've  got  a  railroad  in  Punkin 
Centre  now;  oh,  we're  gittin' 
to  be  right  smart  cityfied.  I 
guess  that's  about  the  crooked- 
est  railroad  that  ever  wuz  bilt. 
I  think  that  railroad  runs  acrost  itself  in  one 
or  two  places;  it  runs  past  one  station  three 
times.  It's  so  durned  crooked  they  hav  to 
burn  crooked  wood  in  the  ingine.  Wall, 
the  fust  ingine  they  had  on  the  Punkin 
Centre  wuz  a  wonderful  piece  of  masheen- 
ery.  It  had  a  five-foot  boiler  and  a  seven- 
foot  whissel,  and  every  time  they  blovv^ed  the 
whissel  the  durned  old  ingine  would  stop. 

Wall,  we've  got  the  railroad,  and  we're 
mighty  proud  of  it;  but  we  had  an  awful 
time  a-gittin'  it  through.  You  see,  most 
everybody  give  the  right  of  way  'cept  Ezra 
Hoskins,  and  he  didn't  like  to  see  it  go 
through  his  medder  field,   and  it  seemed  as 


132  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby^ s 

though  they'd  hav  to  go  'round  fer  quite  a 
ways,  and  maybe  they  wouldn't  cum  to  Pun- 
kin  Centre  at  all.      Wall,  one  mornin'  Ezra 
saw  a  lot  of  fellers  down  in  the  medder  most 
uncommonly  busy  like;  so  he  went  down  to 
them  and  he  sed,  ''Wat  be  you  a-doin'  down 
here?"   And  they  sed,  "Wall,  Mr.  Hoskins, 
we're  surveyin'  fer  the  railroad."   And  Ezra 
sed,  ''So   we're  goin'  to  hav  a  railroad,   be 
we?    Is  it  goin'  right  through  here?"     And 
they  sed,  "Yes,  Mr.  Hoskins,  that's  whar  it's 
a-goin',    right  through   here."      Ezra  sed, 
"Wall,  I  s'pose  you'll  have  a  right  smart  of 
ploughin'  and  diggin',  and  you'll  jist  about 
plow  up  my  medder  field,  won't  ye?"    They 
sed,    "Yes,    Mr.  Hoskins,  we'll   hav  to  do 
some  gradin'."     Ezra  sed,  "Wall,  now,  let 
me  see,  is  it  a-goin'  jist  the  way  you've  got 
that  instrument  p'inted?"     They  sed,  "Yes, 
sir,  jistthar."     And  Ezra  sed,  "Wall,  near 
as  I  kin  calculate  from  that,  I  should  jedge 
it  wuz   a-goin'  right   through    my    barn." 
They  sed,  "Yes,  Mr.  Hoskins,  we're  sorry, 
but  the  railroad  is  a-goin'  right  through  your 
barn." 

Wall,  Ezra  didn't  say  much  fer  quite  a 
spell,  and  we  all  expected  thar  would  be 
trouble;  but  finally  he  sed,    "Wall,  I  s'pose 


Putikin   Centre  Stories  133 

the  community  of  Punkin  Centre  needs  a 
railroad  and  I  hadn't  oughter  offer  any  ob- 
jections to  its  goin'  through,  but  I'm  goin' 
to  tell  ye  one  thing  right  now,  afore  you  go 
any  further.  When  you  git  it  bilt  and  a-run- 
nin',  you've  got  to  git  a  man  to  cum  down 
here  and  take  keer  on  it,  cos  it's  a-cumin' 
along  hayin'  and  harvestin'  time,  and  I'll  be 
too  durned  busy  to  run  down  here  and  open 
r.nd  shet  them  barn  doors  every  time  one  of 
your  pesky  old  trains  wants  to  go  through." 


Love — An  indescribable  longing,  something  that  ex- 
isted since  Mother  Eve  vi^as  in  the  apple  trust,  and  will 
exist  until  the  end  of  time.  Somethin'  that  no  man  has 
ever  yet  defined  or  ever  will  define.  A  somethin'  that 
is  past  all  description.  Which  will  make  a  hired  man 
fergit  to  do  the  chores,  and  will  make  an  old  man  act 
boyish,  and  will  make  a  woman  show  herself  to  be 
stronger  than  the  strongest  man.  Gosh  durn  it,  an  in- 
describable somethin'  that  has  never  yet  bin  described. 

— Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


134 


Uncle  Josh  fFeathersby''s 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  135 


Uncle  Josh  on  a  Bicycle 

LONG  last  summer  Ruben  Hos- 
kins,  that  is  EzraHoskins'  boy, 
he  cum  home  from  college  and 
bro't  one  of  them  new  fangled 
bisickle  masheens  hum  with 
him,  and  I  think  ever  since 
that  time  the  whole  town  of  Punkin  Centre 
has  got  the  bisickle  fever.  Old  Deacon 
Witherspoon  he's  bin  a-ridin'  a  bisickle  to 
Sunday  school,  and  Jim  Lawson  he  couldn't 
ride  one  of  them  'cause  he's  got  a  wooden 
leg;  but  he  jist  calculated  if  he  could  git  it 
hitched  up  to  the  mowin'  masheen,  he  could 
cut  more  hay  with  it  than  any  man  in  Punkin 
Centre.  Somebody  sed  Si  Pettingill  wuz 
tryin'  to  pick  apples  with  a  bisickle. 

Wall,  all  our  boys  and  girls  are  ridin'  bi- 
sickles  now,  and  nothin'  would  do  but  I 
must  learn  how  to  ride  one  of  them.  Wall, 
I  didn't  think  very  favorably  on  it,  but  in 
order  to  keep  peace  in  the  family  I  told  them 
I  would  learn.  Wall,  gee  whilikee,  by  gum. 
I  wish  you  had  bin  thar  when  I  commenced. 


136  Uncle  Josh   Weathersby'' s 

1  took  that  masheen  by  the  horns  and  I  led 
it  out  into  the  middle  of  the  road,  and  I 
got  on  it  sort  of  unconcerned  like,  and 
then  I  got  of¥  sort  of  unconcerned  like. 
Wall,  I  sot  down  a  minnit  to  think  it 
over,  and  then  the  trouble  commenced. 
I  got  on  that  durned  masheen  and  it 
jumped  up  in  the  front  and  kicked  up  be- 
hind, and  bucked  up  in  the  middle,  and 
shied  and  balked  and  jumped  sideways, 
and  carried  on  worse  'n  a  couple  of  steers 
the  fust  time  they're  yoked.  Wall,  I  man- 
aged to  hang  on  fer  a  spell,  and  then  I  went 
up  in  the  air  and  cum  down  all  over  that  bi- 
sickle.  I  fell  on  top  of  it  and  under  it  and 
on  both  sides  of  it;  I  fell  in  front  of  the 
front  wheel  and  behind  the  hind  wheel  at 
the  same  time.  Durned  if  I  know  how  I 
done  it  but  I  did.  I  run  my  foot  through 
the  spokes,  and  put  about  a  hundred  and 
fifty  punctures  in  a  hedge  fence,  and  skeered 
a  boss  and  buggy  clar  ofif  the  highway.  I 
done  more  different  kinds  of  tumblin'  than 
any  cirkus  performer  I  ever  seen  in  my  life, 
and  I  made  more  revolutions  in  a  fifteen-foot 
circle  than  any  buzz-saw  that  ever  wuz  in- 
vented. Wall,  I  lost  the  lamp,  I  lost  the 
clamp,  I  lost  my  patience,  I  lost  my  temper, 


Piinkin   Centre  Stories  1 37 

I  lost  my  self-respect,  my  last  suspender  but- 
ton and  my  standin'  in  the  community.  I 
broke  the  handle  bars,  I  broke  the  sprock- 
ets, I  broke  the  ten  commandments,  I  broke 
my  New  Year's  pledge  and  the  law  agin  loud 
and  abusive  language,  and  Jim  Lawson  got 
so  excited  he  run  his  wooden  leg  through  a 
knot-hole  in  the  porch  and  couldn't  git  it 
out  agin.  Wall,  I'm  through  with  it;  once 
is  enough  fer  me.  You  kin  all  ride  your 
durned  old  bisickles  that  want  to,  but  fer  my 
part  I'd  jist  as  soon  stand  up  and  walk  as  to 
sit  down  and  walk.  No  more  bisickles  fer 
your  Uncle  Josh,  not  if  he  knows  it,  and 
your  Uncle  Josh  sort  of  calculates  as  how 
he  do. 


Notoriety — A  next  door  neighbor  to  glory,  but  an- 
other way  of  gittin'  it.         — Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


138 


Uncle  Josh  PFeathersby^ 


Pun  kin  Centre  Stories  139 


A  Baptizin'  at  the  Hickory 
Corners  Church 

LONG  about  two  summers  ago 
we  had  a  baptizin'  at  the  Hick- 
ory Corners  Church,  and  be- 
fore the  baptizin'  we  had 
preachin',  and  before  the 
preachin'  we  had  Sunday 
school.  Wall  now,  some  of  them  questions 
and  answers  in  that  Sunday  school  jist  made 
me  snicker  right  out  loud.  You  see,  old 
Deacon  Witherspoon  wuz  a-teachin'  the 
Sunday  school  class,  and  he  sed,  *'Now  let 
me  see  what  little  boy  can  tell  me  who  slew 
the  Philistines  and  whar  at?"  Wall,  no  one 
sed  anything  fer  about  a  minnit,  then  a  little 
red-headed  feller  down  at  the  foot  of  the 
class  sed,  "Commodore  Dewey,  at  Manila." 
The  Deacon  sed,  "No,  Henry,  it  wasn't 
Commodore  Dewey  what  slew  the  Philis- 
tines, it  wuz  Sampson."  Another  little  fel- 
ler sed,  "No,  Deacon,  I  thinkyou've  sort  of 
got  it  mixed  up;  he  wasn't  there;  Schley  is 
the  feller  what  done  the  job,  at  Santiague." 


140  Uncle  Josh   IVeathershy'' s 

The  Deacon  sed,  "Now,  boys,  you've  bin 
readin'  too  much  about  them  war  doin's  in 
the  papers.  Now  what  Httle  boy  can  tell 
me  what  is  the  first  commandment?"  And 
Ezra  Hoskins'  boy  sed,  "Remember  the 
main."  Gosh,  I  had  to  go  right  out  of  the 
meetin'  house,  whar  I  could  have  a  good 
laugh.  Wall,  I  wouldn't  have  bin  down 
thar  in  the  fust  place,  or  the  second  place, 
fer  that  matter,  if  it  hadn't  bin  fer  old  Jim 
Lawson.  You  see,  Jim  he's  a  peculiar  old 
critter.  He's  got  one  eye  out;  lost  it  lookin' 
fer  a  pension,  I  believe.  Wall,  Jim  he  cum 
over  to  my  house  and  he  sed,  "Josh,  let's 
you  and  me  go  down  to  the  baptizin'."  I 
sed,  "What  do  you  want  to  go  down  thar 
fer,  Jim;  you  can't  git  any  pension  thar,  kin 
ye?"  Jim  sed,  "Wall,  you  see.  Josh,  thar 
wuz  a  pedler  left  some  hymn  books  at  my 
house,  and  I  want  to  go  down  thar  and  see 
if  I  can't  sell  'em."  Wall,  we  hadn't  bin 
thar  more  'n  a  minnit  when  Jim  he  told  the 
minister  he  had  the  hymn  books  to  sell,  and 
the  minister  sed  he'd  tell  the  congregation 
all  about  it.  Then  Jim  he  sot  right  down  in 
the  meetin'  house  and  went  to  sleep;  and 
then  he  went  to  snorin';  you  could  hear  him 
clar   acrost  a  forty   acre    lot.       I  wouldn't 


Pun  kin   Centre  Stones  14.1 

a-keered  a  gosh  durn,  but  he  woke  me  up. 
Wall,  about  the  time  the  minister  wuz  a-git- 
tin'  through  with  his  sarmon,  he  sed,  ''Now 
all  members  of  the  congregation  havmg 
babies  here  to-day  and  wantin'  of  them  bap- 
tized after  the  sarmon  is  over,  bring  them 
up  to  the  pulpit  and  I  will  baptize  them." 
Wall,  Jim  he  woke  up  about  that  time,  and 
he  thought  the  minister  wuz  a-talkin'  about 
his  hymn  books;  so  he  stood  up  and  sed, 
•'Now  all  you  folks  what  ain't  got  any  I'll 
let  ye   have  'em,  twenty-five  cents  apiece." 


Religion — Any   one    man's   opinion,     but    consists 
ma  nly  of  doing  right.         — Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


Uncle  Josh   Weatlursby'' s 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  143 


A    Reminiscence   of  My 
Railroad  Days 

Dedicated  to    Engineer  John    Hoolihan,  Pittsburg  and 
Lake  Erie  Railroad,  Pittsburg,  Pa. 

'ALL,  John,  I  read  your  poetry, 
And   laughed    till    I    nearly 
cried, 
Seein'  how  you  became  an  en- 
gineer. 
And  got  on  the  right  hand 
side. 
It  made  me  think  of  the  days  gone  by, 
When  I  wuz  one  of  you  fellers,  too, 
What  used  to  run  an  old  machine. 

And  go  tootin'  the  country  through. 
But  the  engine  that  I  had  then,  John, 

Wuz  far  from  a  "Nancy  Hanks;" 
She  wuz  old  and  worn  and  loggy, 

And  jist  chuck  full  of  pranks; 
And  she  wuz  wonderfully  got  up,  John, 

Full  of  bolts  and  valves  and  knobs, 
And  the  boiler  wouldn't  hold  water; 
Gosh,  it  wouldn't  hold  cobs. 


144  Uncle  Josh    fFeat/iersby^s 

But  I  wuz  younger  then,  John, 

And  I  didn't  care  a  cuss; 
So  I'd  pull  the  throttle  open 

And  jist  let  her  wheeze  and  fuss. 
The  road  that  I  wuz  a-runnin'  on 

Wuz  out  in  the  woolly  west; 
Two  streaks  of  rust  and  the  right  of  way 

Wuz  puttin'  it  at  its  best. 
So  we  sort  of  plugged  along,  John. 

And  didn't  put  on  any  frills, 
Never  thought  of  doin'  anything 

But  doublin'  all  the  hills. 
I  tell  you  those  were  rocky  times, 

And  we  hadn't  no  air  brake; 
And  fifteen  miles  an  hour,  John, 

Wuz  durn  good  time  to  make. 

And  thar  wuz  as  good  a  lot  of  boys 

As  you  could  meet  with  anywhare; 
Rough  and  ready  open  up, 

And  always  on  the  square. 
And  I'd  like  to  see  them  all  again, 

And  grasp  each  honest  hand; 
But  some  of  them,  like  me,  have  quit, 

Some  have  gone  to  another  land. 
I  have  changed  somewhat  since  then,  John, 

Jist  a  little  more  steady  grown; 
But  I  often  think  of  my  railroad  days 

As  the  happiest  ones  I've  known. 


Punkin  Centre   Stories  r45 

And,  John,  I  often  watch  the  trains 

As  they  go  whizzing  by; 
As  I  think  of  Bill,  or  Jim,  or  Jack, 

Thar's  a  tear  comes  in  my  eye. 

Perhaps  you'd  like  to  know,  John, 

Just  why  I  quit  the  rail, 
And  as  some  feller  one  time  sed, 

^'Thereby  hangs  a  tale." 
I  wuz  goin'  along  one  night,  John, 

At  a  purty  lively  rate, 
The  old  machine  a-doin'  her  best. 

And  me  forty  minutes  late, 
When  all  at  once  there  came  a  crash, 

1  felt  the  old  track  yield, 
And  fireman,  machine  and  I 

Went  into  a  farmer's  field. 
There's  little  more  to  say,  John, 

They  laid  me  up  for  repairs, 
But  my  fireman,  poor  fellow, 

Hadn't  time  to  say  his  prayers. 

So  now  you  have  my  story,  John; 

Still,  you  don't  know  how  it  feels 
To  know  you've  got  to  plug  around 

On  a  couple  of  flat  wheels. 
But  it  doesn't  bother  me,  John, 

Gosh,  not  fer  a  minnit; 


1 46  Uncle  Josh   Weathersby^s 

I'm  as  happy  as  the  day  is  long, 

And  feel  jist  strictly  in  it. 
But  sometimes  I  like  to  meet  the  boys, 

And  talk  them  days  all  over, 
And  I  feel  as  gay  and  chipper 

As  a  calf  in  a  field  of  clover. 
But  the  happiest  days  I've  known,  John, 

The  ones  that  to  me  see  best, 
Wuz  when  I  run  an  old  machine 

Way  out  in  the  woolly  west. 


Glory— Gittin'  killed  and  not  gittin'  paid  fer  it. 

Punkin  Centre  Philosophy. 


Punkin  Centre  Stories 


H7 


Uncle  Josh  at  a  Circus 

"«(  A  WALL,  'long  last  year,  'bout  har- 
M^/^^S  vest  time,  thar  wuz  a  cirkus 
cum  to  Punkin  Centre,  and  I 
think  the  whole  population 
turned  out  to  see  it.  They  cum 
paradin'  into  town,  the  bands 
a-playin'  and  banners  flying,  and  animals 
pokin'  their  heads  out  of  the  cages,  and  all 
sorts  of  jim  cracks.  Deacon  Witherspoon 
sed  they  wuz  a  sinful  lot  of  men  and 
wimmin,  and  no  one  aughter  go  and  see 
them,  but  seein'  as  how  they  wuz  thar,  he 
alowed  he'd  take  the  children  and  let  them 
see  the  lion*  and  tigers  and  things.  Si  Pet- 
tingill  remarked,  "Guess  the  Deacon  won't 
put  blinders  on  himself  when  he  gits  thar." 
We  noticed  afterwards  that  the  Deacon  had 
a  front  seat  whar  he  could  see  and  hear  purty 
well. 

Wall,  I  sed  to  Ezra  Hoskins,  "Let's  you 
and  me  go  down  to  the  cirkus,"  and  Ezra 
sed,  "All  right,  Joshua."  So  we  got  on  our 
store  clothes,  our  new  boots,  and  put  some 
money  in  our  pockits,  and  went  down  to  the 


148 


Uncle  Josh   JVeathersbv^ s 


N 


cirkus.  Wall,  I  never  seen  any  one  in  my 
life  cut  up  more  fool  capers  than  Ezra  did. 
We  got  in  whar  the  animals  wuz,  and  Ezra 
he  walked  around  the  elefant  three  or  four 
times,  and  then  he  sed,  "By  gum,  Josh, 
that's  a  durned  handy  critter — he's  got  two 
tails,  and  he's  eatin'  with  one  and  keepin' 
the  flies  of^  with  t'other."    Durned  old  fool! 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  1^9 

Wall,  we  went  on  a  little  ways  further,  and 
all  to  onct  Ezra  he  sed,  ''Gee whiz,  Josh, 
thar's  Steve  Jenkins  over  thar  in  one  of 
them  cages."  I  sed,  ''Cum  along  you  silly 
,fool,  that  ain't  Steve  Jenkins."  Ezra  sed, 
"Wall,  now,  guess  I'd  oughter  know  Steve 
Jenkins  when  I  see  him;  I  jist  about  purty 
near  raised  Steve."  Wall,  we  went  over  to 
the  cage,  and  it  wan't  no  man  at  all,  nuthin' 
only  a  durned  old  baboon;  and  Ezra  wanted 
to  shake  hands  with  him  jist  'cause  he  looked 
like  Steve.  Ezra  sed  he'd  bet  a  peck  of 
pippins  that  baboon  belonged  to  Steve's 
family  a  long  ways  back. 

Wall  then  we  went  into  whar  they  wuz 
havin'  the  cirkus  doin's,  and  I  guess  us  two 
old  codgers  jist  about  busted  our  buttins 
a-lafEn  at  that  silly  old  clown.  Wall,  he  cut 
up  a  lot  of  didos,  then  he  went  out  and  sot 
down  right  alongside  of  Aunt  Nancy  Smith; 
and  Nancy  she'd  like  to  had  histeericks. 
She  sed,  "You  go  'way  from  me  you  painted 
critter,"  and  that  clown  he  jist  up  and  yelled 
to  beat  thunder — sed  Nancy  stuck  a  pin  in 
him.  Wall,  everybody  lafifed,  and  Nancy 
she  jist  sot  and  giggled  right  out.  Wall, 
they  brought  a  trick  mule  into  the  ring,  and 
the   ring  master  sed  he'd  give  any  one  five 


150  Uncle  Josh   Weathersby'' s 

dollars  what  could  ride  the  mule;  and  Ruben 
Hoskins  alowed  he  could  ride  anything  with 
four  legs  what  had  hair  on.  So  he  got  into 
the  ring,  and  that  mule  he  took  after  Ruben 
and  chased  him  'round  that  ring  so  fast 
Ruben  could  see  himself  goin'  'round  t'other 
side  of  the  ring.  He  wuz  mighty  glad  to 
git  out  of  thar.  Then  a  gal  cum  out  on  boss 
back  and  commenced  ridin'  around.  Nancy 
Smith  sed  she  wuz  a  brazen  critter  to  cum 
out  thar  without  clothes  enough  on  her  to 
dust  a  fiddle.  But  Deacon  Witherspoon  sed 
that  wuz  the  art  of  'questrinism;  we  all 
alowed  it,  whatever  he  meant.  And  then 
that  silly  old  clown  he  told  the  ring  master 
that  his  uncle  committed  sooiside  different 
than  any  man  what  ever  committed  sooiside; 
and  the  ring  master  sed,  *'Wall,  sir,  how  did 
your  uncle  commit  sooiside?"  and  that  silly 
old  clown  sed,  "Why,  he  put  his  nose  in  his 
ear  and  blowed  his  head  off."  Then  he  sang 
an  old-fashioned  song  I  hadn't  heered  in  a 
long  time;  went  something  like  this: 

From  Widdletown  to  Waddletown  is  fifteen  miles, 
From  Waddletown  to  Widdletown  is  fifteen  miles, 

From  Widdletown  to  Waddletown,  from  Waddletown 
to  Widdletown, 
Take  it  all  together  and  its  fifteen  miles. 


Piinkin    Centre  Stories  1 51 

He  wuz  about  the  silliest  cuss  I  ever  seen. 
Wall,  I  noticed  a  feller  a  rummagin'  'round 
among  the  benches  as  though  he  might 
a-lost  somethin'.  So  I  sed  to  him,  ''Mister, 
didyou  lose  anythin'  'round  here  anyplace?" 
He  sed,  "Yes,  sir,  I  lost  a  ten  dollar  bill;  if 
you  find  it  I'll  give  you  two  dollars."  Wall, 
I  jist  made  up  my  mind  he  wuz  one  of  them 
cirkus  sharpers,  and  when  he  wan't  a-lookin' 
I  pulled  a  ten  dollar  bill  out  of  my  pockit 
and  give  it  to  him;  and  the  durned  fool 
didn't  know  but  what  it  wuz  the  same  one 
that  he  lost.  Gosh,  I  jist  tooled  him  out  of 
his  two  dollars  slicker  'n  a  whistle.  I  tell 
you  cirkus  day  is  a  great  time  in  Punkin 
Centre. 


152 


Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby''  t 


Punkin   Centre  Stories 


153 


Uncle  Josh   Invites   the  City 
Folks  to  Visit   Him 

DIDN'T  s'pose  when  I  wuz 
gittin'  ready  to  go  home,  that 
all  you  folks  would  be  down 
here  to  the  depo'  to  see  me  off. 
Wall,  now,  that's  purty  good 
of  ye,  rU  be  durned  it  it  ain't. 
Yes,  I  guess  I'll  have  to  be  goin'  home  now; 
I've  stayed  here  this  time  'bout  as  long  as  I 
kin  afford  to.  I  must  say,  some  of  you  folks 
have  made  it  purty  warm  fer  me  since  I've 
bin  here  in  New  York;  but  I  guess  I've  en- 
joyed it  'bout  as  much  as  you  have. 

I'd  like  to  have  you  all  cum  down  to 
Punkin  Centre  and  see  mee  some  time  this 
summer,  if  you  hain't  got  nuthin'  else  to  do. 
Lots  of  fun  down  thar  on  that  farm  of  mine, 
huntin',  fishin',  and  shootin',  and  other 
things.  Wall,  I  never  shot  but  one  bird  in 
my  life,  and  that  wuz  a  squirrel;  yes,  sir,  a 
flyin'  squirrel. 

I  had  a  feller  workin'  fer  me  on  the  farm 
last  summer,  and   he  was  cross-eyed,  and  I 


1^4  Uncle  Josh  IVeathersby'' s 

sent  him  out  in  the  paster  to  dig  a  well  fer 
me,  and  what  do  you  s'pose?  Wall  he  dug  it 
so  tarnal  allfired  crooked  that  he  fell  out  of 
it  and  sprained  his  ankel.  Then  one  day  I 
sent  him  out  in  the  garden  to  plant  some 
pertaters  and  some  unyuns  fer  me,  and  it  jist 
seemed  like  that  feller  didn't  have  good  hoss 
sense.  He  planted  them  unyuns  and  perta- 
ters right  alongside  of  each  other,  and  the 
unyuns  got  into  the  pertaters'  eyes  and  they 
couldn't  see  to  grow.  Oh,  yes,  lots  of  fun 
down  home  onct  in  a  while.  I  calculate 
I've  got  the  funnyest  lot  of  chickens  you 
ever  heerd  tell  on.  I've  got  sixty  old  hens 
and  they  lay  an  tgg  every  day;  but  they 
don't  lay  any  at  nite,  cos  when  nite  comes 
every  one  of  them  is  roosters.  I  had  one 
old  hen,  she  went  into  the  woodshed  and  sot 
down  on  the  ax  and  tried  to  hatch-it.  I  had 
another  one  sottin'  on  a  door  knob,  tryin'  to 
hatch  out  a  house  and  lot,  but  she  didn't. 
While  she  wuz  a-sottin'  there  along  cum  a 
rooster,  and  he  sed,  "We're  having  a  little 
party  down  behind  the  barn;  will  you  dance 
with  me  this  set?"  and  she  sed,  "No,  sir, 
I'm  engaged  to  his  nobs  for  this  set."  Gosh, 
I  wuz  afraid  to  go  out  in  the  barnyard  one 
while,   cos  one  day  when  I  wuz  out  thar  I 


Punkin  Centre  Stories  IT| 

heerd  a  hen  say  to  a  rooster,  ''Thar's  tha. 
old  gray-headed  cuss  we've  bin  a-layin'  fer." 
Guess  that's  my  train;  s'pose  I'll  have  to 
be  a-goin';  good-bye;  cum  down  and  see 
me  some  time  if  you  kin,  ev'ry  one  of  ye; 
cum  down  about  apple-butter  time  and  jist 
butt  in — good-bye. 


156 


Uncle  Josh  JVeathersby^s 


jVV 


Punkin   Centre  Stories  157 


Yosemite  Jim,  or  a  Tale  of  the 
Great  White  Death 

m        ^OSEMITE  JIM  wuz  the  name 

Wm        ^'  ^^^' 

Mi^S)  W  -^^^   ^^  came  from  no  one 

"^^^^^  knowed  whar; 

Quiet,  easy  goin'  sort  of  a  cus, 
And   wuz  reckoned   on   the 
squar'. 
Ridin'  a  route  for  the  Wells  Fargo  folks 

May  have  made  him  stern  and  grim; 
But  thar  wasn't  a  man  that  crossed  the  divide 
But  'ud  swar  by  Yosemite  Jim. 

He  wa'n't  one  of  the  regular  sort 

What  you'd  meet  thar  any  day, 
But  as  near  as  the  camp  could  figure  it  out, 

In  a  show  down  he'd  likely  stay. 
A  shambling,  awkward  figure, 

Rawboned,  tall  and  slim. 
And  his  schaps  and  togs  in  general 

Jist  looked  like  they'd  fell  on  him. 


15^  Uncle  Josh   Weathersby''s 

I  wuz  somewhat  of  a  tenderfoot  then, 

Hadn't  jist  got  the  lay  of  the  land; 
Thar  wuz  a  good  many  things  in  them  thai 
parts 

As  I  couldn't  quite  understand. 
But  I  took  a  likin'  to  Yosemite  Jim, 

Wuz  with  him  on  my  very  first  trick; 
And  from  that  time  on  I  stuck  to  him 

Like  a  kitten  to  a  good  warm  brick. 

Our  headquarters  then  wuz  the  valley  camp, 

It  wuz  down  by  the  redwood  way, 
With  Chaparel  across  the  spur, 

'Bout  fifty  miles  away. 
Wall,  what  I'm  goin'  to  tell  you,  pard. 

Happened  thar  whar  the   trail  runs  intc 
the  sky; 
And  if  it  hadn't  a-bin  fer  Yosemite  Jim, 

Wall,  I'd  be   countin'  my  chips  on  high. 

The  galoot  that  wuz  punchin'  the  broncos 
fer  me 
Wuz  a  greaser  from  down  Monterey; 
And  Jim  used  to  say,   "Keep  your  eye  on 
him,  pard, 
I  don't  think  he's  cum  fer  to  stay; 


Piinkin   Centre  Stories  159 

His  eyes  are  too  shifty  and  yaller, 
And  his  face  is  sullen  and  hard; 

And  'taint  that  so  much  as  a  feelin'  I  have; 
Anyhow,  keep  your  eye  on  him,  pard." 


One  day  when   the  mercury  wuz  way  out  of 
sight, 

And  the  frost  it  wuz  on  every  nail, 
With  jist  the  mail  sack  and  specie  box. 

The  greaser  and  I  hit  the  trail. 
We  picked   two  passengers  up  at  Big  Pine, 

And  while  the  broncos  were  changed  that 
day 
I  noticed  them  havin'  a  sneakin'  chat 

With  the  greaser  from  down  Monterey. 

Did  you  ever  hear  tell  of  the   Great  White 
Death, 

That  creeps  down  the  mountain  side, 
Leavin'  behind  it  a  ghastly  track 

Whar  those  who  have  met  it  died? 
Wall,  pard,  as  true  as  I'm  a-livin', 

No  man  wants  to  see  it  twice; 
White  and  grim  as  a  funeral  shroud, 

A  mass  of  mist  and  ice. 


i6o  Uncle  Josh   JVeathershv^ s 

Wall,  we  hadn't  got  far  from  the   Big  Pine 
relay 

When  my  hair  it  commenced  to  rise, 
For  I  saw  across  by  the  Lone  Bear  spur 

A  cloud  of  most  monstrous  size. 
And  the  greaser  acted  sort  of  peculiar, 

And  the  broncos  commenced  to  neigh; 
Wall,  some  thoughts  went  through  my  mind 
jist  then 

I  won't  forgit  till  my  dyin'  day. 

In  less  time  than  it  takes  to  tell  it. 

We  were  into  the  Great  White  Death, 
With  its  millions  of  frozen  snowflakes 

A-takin'  away  our  breath. 
And  jist  then  somethin'  happened,  pard, 

The  greaser  from  down  Monterey 
Tried  to  sneak  oflf  with  the  specie  box. 

Along  with  the  passengers  from  Big  Pine 
relay. 

All  at  once  a  figure  on  hossback 
Cum  a-whoopin'  it  down  the  trail, 

And  bullets  from  out  of  a  Winchester 
Commenced  to  fly  like  hail. 


Punkifi   Centre  Stories  i6l 

The  greaser  and  them  two  passengers 

Cashed  in  their  chips  to  him, 
Fer  the  feller  what  wuz  doin'  the  shootin' 

Wuz  my  friend,  Yosemite  Jim. 

Wall,  we  planted  them  thar  together, 

•  When  the  cloud  had  passed  away; 
And  all  they've  got  fer  a  tombstone 

Is  the  mountains,  dull  and  gray. 
So,  pard,  let's  take  one  together, 

And  I'll  drink  a  toast  to  him, 
Fer  though  he  wuz  rough  and  ready, 

He'd  a  heart,  YOSEMITE  Jim. 


The  Great  White  Death,  so  named  by  the  Indians, 
occurs  in  the  higher  altitudes  of  the  Rocky  and  Sierra 
Nevada  Mountains.  It  is  almost  indescribable.  It  might 
properly  be  termed  a  frozen  fog.  It  has  the  effect  of 
bringing  on  acute  congestion  of  the  lungs,  from  which 
few  rarely  recover.  Viewed  at  a  distance  it  is  a  magnifi- 
cent sight,  each  and  every  particle  of  the  frozen  moisture 
being  a  miniature  prism,  which  reflects  the  sun's  rays  in 
a  manner  once  seen  never  to  be  forgotten. — By  Cal. 
Stewart,  formerly  Overland  Messenger  for  the  VVells- 
Fargo  Express  Company. 


1 62 


Uncle  Josh  Weatliersby'' s 


Punktn   Centre  Stories 


163 


Uncle  Josh  Weathersby's  Trip 

to  Boston 


^ERalong  time  I  had  my  mind 
made  up  to  go  down  to  Boston, 
so  a  short  time  ago,  as  I  had 
all  my  crops  and  produce 
mostly  sold,  I  alowed  it  would 
be  a  good  time  to  go  down 
thar,  and  I  sed  to  mother,  "I'll  start  early  in 
the  mornin'  and  take  a  load  of  produce  with 
me,  and  that  will  sort  of  pay  expenses  of  the 
trip." 

Wall,  I  got  into  Boston  next  mornin' 
bright  and  early,  'bout  time  they  had  their 
breakfast,  and  I  looked  'round  fer  a  spell; 
then  finally  I  picked  out  a  right  likely  lookin' 
store,  and  jist  conclooded  I  d  sell  my  load 
of  produce  thar.  Wall,  I  went  in  and  I  met 
a  feller  'nd  I  sed,  "Good  mornin',  be  you 
the  storekeeper?"  And  he  sed,  "No,  sir, 
I'm  only  one  of  the  clerks."  So  I  sed, 
"Wall,  be  the  storekeeper  to  hum?"  And 
he   sed,    "Yes,  sir,  would  you    like   t^  see 


164  Uncle  Josh  Weatfiersby''s 

him?"  And  1  told  him  as  how  I  would,  and 
he  turned  'round  and  commenced  to  holler- 
in'  "/ro/2^,"  and  a  boy  cum  up  what  had 
more  brass  buttins  on  him  than  a  whole  reg- 
iment of  soljers.  I  thought  that  wuz  a 
durned  funny  name  fer  a  boy — front — and 
that  clerk  feller  he  wuz  about  the  most  im- 
portant thing  I'd  seen  in  Boston  so  far,  less 
maybe  it  wuz  the  Bunker  Hill  monument 
that  I  druv  past  cummin'  to  town.  He  had 
on  a  biled  collar  that  sort  of  put  me  in  mind 
of  the  whitewashed  fence  'round  the  fair 
grounds  down  hum.  I'll  bet  if  he'd  ever 
sneeze  it  would  cut  his  ears  off. 

Wall,  anyhow,  he  sed  to  that  front  boy, 
"Show  the  gentleman  to  the  proprietor's 
offis."  Wall,  I  went  along  with  that  boy, 
and  presently  we  cum  to  a  place  in  one  cor- 
ner of  that  store;  it  wuz  made  out  of  iron 
and  had  bars  in  front  of  the  winders,  and 
looked  like  the  county  jale.  The  front  boy 
p'inted  to  a  man  and  sed,  "Go  in,"  and  I 
sed,  "I  gessed  I  wouldn't  go  in  thar,  cos  I 
hadn't  done  anything  to  be  locked  up  fer." 
And  that  front  boy  commenced  to  laffin'  tho' 
durned  if  I  could  see  what  he  wuz  a-lafhn' 
about,  and  the  storekeeper  he  opened  the 
door  and  cum  out,  and  he  sed,  "Good  morn- 


Punkln  Centre  Stories  165 

in',  v\^hat  can  I  do  fer  you?"  I  sed,  "Be 
you  the  storekeeper?"  and  he  sed  he  wuz. 
So  I  sed,  ''Do  you  want  to  buy  any  perta- 
ters?"  And  he  sed,  "No,  sir,  we  don't  buy 
pertaters  here;  this  a  dry  goods  store."  So 
I  sed,  "Wall,  don't  want  any  cabbage,  do 
ye?"  And  he  sed,  "No,  sir,  this  is  a  dry 
goods  store."  So  I  sed,  "Wall,  now,  I 
want  to  know;  do  you  need  any  onions?" 
And  by  chowder,  he  got  madder  'n  a  wet 
hen.  He  sed,  "Now  look  a-heer,  I  want 
you  to  understand  onct  fer  all,  this  is  a  dry 
goods  store,  and  we  don't  buy  anything  but 
dry  goods  and  don't  sell  anything  but  dry 
goods;  do  you  understand  me  now?  Dry 
Goods.''^  And  I  sed,  "Yes,  gess  1  under- 
stand you;  you  don't  need  to  git  so  tarnaly 
riled  about  the  matter;  neer  as  I  can  figure 
it  out  you  jist  buy  dry  goods  and  sell  'em." 
And  he  sed,  "Yes,  sir,  only  dry  goods." 
So  I  sed,  "Do  you  want  to  buy  some  mighty 
good  dried  apples?" 

Wall,  that  front  boy  got  to  laffin,  and  a 
lot  of  wimmin  clerks  giggled  right  out,  and 
the  storekeeper  he  commenced  a-lafF.n', 
too,  and  fer  about  a  minnit  I  thought  they'd 
all  went  crazy  to  onct.  \\d\\,  he  told  a  fel- 
ler to    show    me    vvhar    I    could    sell    my 


1 66  Uncle  Josh   JVeatliersby^s 

produce,  and  I  disposed  of  It  at  a  good 
bargain. 

I  like  them  Boston  folks,  they  try  to 
make  you  feel  to  hum,  and  enjoy  yourself 
and  be  soshable,  and  I  wuz  chuck  full  cf 
soshability,  too;  I  wuz  goin'  up  one  street 
and  down  t'other,  jist  a-gettin'  soshability  at 
ten  cents  a  soshable. 

Wall,  I  gess  I  seen  about  everything  wuth 
seein'  in  Boston,  and  I  wuz  a-standin'  along- 
side of  one  of  their  old  churches,  a-lookin'  at 
the  semetry,  and  I  gess  thar  wuz  folks  in 
thar  hurried  nigh  unto  three  hundred  years. 
And  I  wuz  jist  a-thinkin'  what  they'd  say  if 
they  could  wake  up  and  see  Boston  now, 
when  I  noticed  a  row  of  little  toomstones, 
and  one  of  them  it  sed,  ''Hester  Brown,  be- 
loved wife  of  James  Brown,"  and  on  another 
it  sed,  ''Prudence  Brown,  beloved  wife  of 
James  Brown,"  and  on  another  it  sed, 
"Thankful  Brown,  beloved  wife  of  James 
Brown."  Wall,  I  couldn't  jist  make  out 
what  she  had  to  be  thankful  about,  but  I  sed, 
"Jimmy,  you  had  a  right  lively  time  while 
you  wuz  in  Boston,  didn't  you?"  Then  I 
seen  another  toomstone  and  on  it  it  sed, 
"Matilda  Brown,  beloved  wife  of  James 
Brown,"     and     another     one     what    sed, 


Punkin  Centre  Stories  167 

"Sara  Ann  Brown,  beloved  wife  of  James 
Brown,"  and  over  in  a  little  corner,  all  to 
itself,  I  seen  a  toomstone,  and  on  it  it  sed, 
"James  Brown,  At  Rest." 


Punkin  Centre  Stones  169 


Who  Marched  in  Sixty-One 

Cal  Stewart,  New  York,  Memorial  Day,  1903- 

'VE  jist  bin  down  at  the  corner, 
1^^^  mother, 

To  see  the  boys  in  line, 
Dressed  up  in  their  bran'  new 
uniforms, 
I  tell  you  they  looked  fine. 
And  as  they  marched  past  whar  I  stood, 

To  the  rattle  of  the  drum, 
It  made  me  think  of  those  other  boys 
Who  marched  in  sixty-one. 

The  old  flag  wuz  proudly  wavin*,  mother, 

Jist  as  it  did  one  day 
When  you  stood  thar  to  say  good-bye, 

And  watch  me  march  away. 
So  I  stood  thar  and  watched  them 

Till  the  parade  wuz  nearly  done, 
But  thar  wasn't  many  thar  to-day 

Who  marched  in  sixty-one. 

And  thar  wuz  my  old  Captain 
And  the  Colonel  side  by  side, 

And  as  they  both  saluted  me 
I  jist  sot  down  and  cried. 


170  Uncle  Josh  Weathersby^ s 

And  I  thought  about  some  other  boys 
Whose  work  has  long  bin  done; 

Soon  thar  won't  be  any  left  at  all 
Who  marched  in  sixty  one. 

I  heered  the  band  play  Dixie, 

And  my  old  heart  swelled  with  pride, 
A-thinkin'  of  the  boys  in  gray 

Who  marched  on  the  other  side. 
And  when  my  time  it  comes,  mother, 

The  Lord's  will  it  be  done, 
I  hope  he'll  take  me  to  the  boys 

Who  marched  in  sixty-one. 


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PRINTED  IN  U.S   A. 

3   1970  00454  5106 


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